Some Know Some Don’t

This past week I began my bariatric journey. I haven’t kept it a secret but I don’t tell anyone just in conversation either. Those closest to me of course know and have been a strong support system and I know they will continue to do so. I have been in a Facebook group for several months now and it has helped so much. Reading other peoples journey and following their success stories is good for the mind.

Of course it’s gonna be hard, I have no doubts about that, but it is a life style change that I pray every single day will help me with my over all health issues. So far, I have not been to nervous about it, I am just ready to get it done so my healing can begin. I have done my liquid diet for 7 full days now and I’ve already dropped 4 lbs so that’s encouraging leading into the days ahead. Tomorrow I go in to do an EGD, after goin in to see my Dr for pre op, then Wednesday is my gastric bypass procedure.

I am so ready to lose the weight and feel 100% better! All prayers for success are coveted and appreciated.

Day After…

This is what happens for me after an evening of enjoyment.

I feel like an old lady… 😂

Heat Therapy

Met some family for dinner and I think the chair I used hates me! Back is not good today.

Summer Heat

I don’t know about where you’re at but in Texas we’ve already got that summer heat goin on and it is way to soon!

Typically this time of year it starts mild and gradually heating us up in preparation for July and August. This year, however, we are having July and August in May and June as well 🥵

Praying for rain and no triple digit days.

Relationships

Even when it hurts…

I watched a movie this evening that I had watched before but forgotten most of the scenes of. After it started I remembered the story line but decided to watch it again anyway just to refresh my memory of how it all played out. Plus, I figured, given that it’s also a comedy it’s a win win cuz who doesn’t love to laugh right!?!

Without going into the name of it, it’s actors, etc., I’ll attempt to sum it up in a brief explanation, to the best of my ability, and make the point that I got out of it.

The movie from my prospective, in short, is about a woman that has excelled in her career without having had much education at all. However, in her attempt to “climb the ladder” of her success it seems she had hit a rather unremovable road block. Her life long bff helps persuade her into taking a job that she had acquired through lies about her achievements. So while moving out the door of her stale career path and heading into a remarkable world of opportunity that turned out to be, in the end, the best thing that had ever happened to her she’s had a HUGE encounter with someone from her past. While falling in love with her new found daughter, she’d given up for adoption in her teenage years, she seems to have lost any future with the love of her life and boyfriend of five years. However, her career is at an all time high until…all the lies and hidden secrets begin to unravel.

Of course I’m leaving out the majority of the movie as to not ruin it for any of you that haven’t watched it. If you have watched it then you’ll know the movie I’m writing about and may decide to watch again yourself.

Now, stick with me and let’s move on.

The moral I got from the movie is sort of a “punch line” said during the movie by the boyfriend. Their relationship began on a lie, or rather a hidden secret that she never told him about, and one that she similarly repeats in the overwhelming love that she’s acquired for her new found daughter.

“No relationship based on lies will ever survive” packs a powerful punch to me. It is what the boyfriend says to her at one point during the movie. That statement has resonated with me ever since I heard him say it while watching the movie. It’s on repeat in my brain now as I’ve been pondering why it’s stuck there.

So let’s now shift from the movie and into my own life’s relationships. Again, without going into extreme details and, of course, no names will be given but it has given me one of those “💡” moments as it plays over and over again in my brain.

It has become one of those “TADAAAAA” moments to me all of a sudden but I now understand a particular relationship that I’ve been at such a loss about in my life for several years now. A relationship that started out beautifully but has become a thorn that I can’t seem to get to fester for healing. One that has destroyed a part of me that idk if I’ll ever be the same from. As I live and breathe it’s oxygen sucking toxicity at times, I have a love for it that is confusingly exhausting to me when I attempt to understand it. It’s one of those love/hate relationships that tonight I FINALLY get. I finally understand it somewhat 🙄 Duh 🤦‍♀️ It’s because ANY and all relationships built on lies will never last.

What a powerful statement that is.

Worst Flare Up To Date

Having had 3 flare ups already this month, I knew when I woke up that morning it was going to be an RA/Fibro flare kinda day but this has been the worst one yet. For what ever reason, flares are happening more often than what I’m used to. My daily meds aren’t seeming to help much anymore. 🤔

(Meme found online)

When my alarm went off to begin my work day, I could barely roll over to even hit the snooze button. After snoozing a few times I managed to get myself up enough to sit up on the side of my bed to wake my body up completely. I do this every single morning but this particular morning the “stiffness” was so intense that my body felt as if it had been injected with the thickness of molasses or something. My body seemed so heavy that the movement seemed to me as if I was moving in slow motion. It was like watching a turtle cross the road and impatiently waiting as to not kill the poor thing from trying to hurry it along. The pain radiated from each movement and felt like the heat coming off of an intense fire was racing through my joints. I knew I needed a hot shower to help get me moving a bit better or I wasn’t gonna be able to even get dressed. Usually a hot shower feels good and will loosen my joints up enough to move but that morning the shower didn’t even help me like it normally does. Not wanting to allow my body to control my day, I got dressed and went off to work pushing through the intense pain. Typically putting my mind to work offsets the miserable feeling that’s happening within my body that is unexplainable to others.

We all take a day off to play hooky once in a while. Those days are enjoyable right!?! But to take a day off or have to leave early because my body is not lining up with what my mind wants it to do is down right aggravating. I don’t like having to miss work, especially for reasons beyond my control such as a stupid flare up.

Eventually I did make it to work and wasn’t late by the 8 a m standard. However, I felt late because I am always there early to get logged into my stuff and be ready to work at 8 a m. As the day progressed, I got worse. I was beginning to convince myself that I had picked up a bug or something. I just wasn’t able to function like how a “normal” RA/Fibro day goes for me. I had eaten breakfast and it didn’t bother me but by lunch time, I was afraid to even eat because of how I felt. My stomach was so queasy that I just didn’t want to take any chances. I hate to throw up!

As the day went on, my stomach felt more and more queasy and I began to get a mild headache from the nausea. Eventually, around 1:30, I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I felt some what better. So I thought okay, now I am good. Well it didn’t last long. I tried to stay at work to keep my mind occupied and off of the pain. Finally, around 3 I felt like I was gonna puke again so I decided it best to journey home and try to just sleep it off. After about 20 minutes of driving, takes me 35 minutes to get home, I wound up pulling over and got sick on the side of the road. Once I did make it home, I laid down and slept for almost two hour. When I woke up, I was fine. I was back to my “normal” every day pain levels. The nausea was gone, no headache, I had some energy, I could maneuver my body and I knew that flare up had passed. I was able to eat supper and everything.

That’s the worst flare up I’ve had to date. My first time to actually vomit from one.

Thankfully I am blessed enough to have some amazing co workers that refuse to let me allow myself to go down a “whoa is me”, staying mad at myself for such stupidity type of a rabbit hole. They can tell when I need help and I won’t even have to ask. They just help me. I couldn’t have asked for better co workers in my life.

(Meme found online)

Anyone living with Rheumatoid Arthritis, especially with the Fibromyalgia crap too, can relate to these types of flares. Being tired for us isn’t just the tired someone feels from a long sleepless night or a long hard days work, it is down right debilitating fatigue to the point of our mind is in a fog and our body just doesn’t work correctly. We forget, get confused, and totally go blank even on the easy stuff that just comes naturally to us on our “normal” days. We just want to sleep 🛌! Plus sleeping helps us to not feel the pain.

During such flare days, I won’t even recognize that I need help most times but those that I am around the most can tell when I’m just not being myself. My husband especially. He is my rock star! I could NOT make it through this disease without such help from him and those people around me that just know, especially when the brain fog is so horrible that I don’t even recognize how “off” my day is going, that I need help to make it through my day. They never ask what can they do, they just do!

I hate this disease and what’s happening to my body and mind that is beyond my control but I do love my life and those that God has placed in it. I would never want to do this life alone.

Thank you to those that just know. I am so grateful and love each of you beyond measure!

Another Rest

Well I’ve had another rest from blogging, and other stuff, as I’m sure y’all that follow me have noticed.

I never know when I will feel good and when I will feel awful due to this chronic pain I live with. Let’s just say that I’ve had more down days than up lately for a number of reasons. I pray to be on the track to feeling good for more than a couple days at a time now. I just never know what each day holds for me until I begin it.

I have found myself cancelling things and saying no more than ever, even when I really want to. I apologize more than ever because I just can’t!! I hate the hold this autoimmune disease has over me. It isn’t just one thing. I have a number of things that taunt me daily.

So many say there “well just do this” or “have you tried…” and “I know that feeling” when really they don’t have a clue! I don’t even try to explain anymore I just say “thanks for that advice” or “I’ll try that” just to move the conversation on from even talking about it any further. Most days I just want to scream but even that’s to exhausting. 😂

Any-who, enough about that!!

Pray for me and my husband! Say a special prayer for those not even in my life these days, whether they’ve chosen to walk away or I’ve just distanced myself from them, to love me through it anyway.

Good night world! May God hold your hand through the hard times just as He does for me because without God, I probably wouldn’t even be here. 💕

Relationship

Which track this time?

What does one do that feels like they’ve done everything humanly possible to make a relationship work yet it continues to fail? Ya know relationships fail all the time and people just hop on a plane or in a car and leave as to avoid admitting failure and repairing the damage.

Let me just say, it’s easier to let go of some relationships than it is to let go of others. I’ve let go of a few relationships in my life to avoid letting them, or rather me allowing them, to have any control over me and my behavior. Sometimes it’s just best to walk away or even let them walk away, but it’s never easy to walk away from your kids without putting up a “fight”. But there comes a time when there’s just no fight left in you and you fall to your knees in tears begging God to help you. You find yourself asking God what you’re doing wrong. You find yourself having to take a step back and simply (not so simple) allow Gods will to be done and you do absolutely nothing but continually pray.

So after lots of prayers and petitions to God, this is what He’s told me multiple times is the best way to handle it. The best way for me to handle this particular situation is to not handle it at all. I have to let go and let God handle it once and for all.

2 Timothy 2:23-26 (ESV) says:

Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there comes a time when we have to make hard decisions, even when it seems like the hardest decision you’ll ever have to make, for ourselves. Decisions that we know will effect us for a long period of time. Decisions that hurt our hearts so badly that our chest physically hurts. Decisions that are for our own protection. Decisions that will prevent us from giving into the foolishness of controversy. Decisions that may have people you love so deeply having nothing to do with you. Decisions to simply guard your own heart from breaking so badly that it seems in repairable. Decisions to not allow the enemy to use anyone to cause you to fall back into your old self.

Once you feel like you’ve gone around the same “mountain” so many times and never see new scenery, it’s time to finally just jump the train track if you will. It’s time to sit back and truly, 100%, turn it over to God. It’s okay to protect yourself. It’s okay to protect your own heart and your own emotions from the same ole train wreck that always happens when you let your guard down.

God is our Father and He wants to protect us from hurt and harm but more often than not, we bring it upon ourselves then we get mad at God and ask Him why HE ALLOWED THIS to happen to us. He didn’t! We did! And we have to stop it. We must finally break the cycle. We have to decide that it needs to stop and it needs to stop right now. Only then can God begin a work in the situation and help to mend things or cause us to move on from it until they decide they want to mend it as well.

No relationship of any kind can be one sided and have success. Relationships of any kind takes pride and hard work to keep it humbly unique in unity. We must each choose to be happy with one another, no matter our flaws. God can change anyone’s heart but He gives us the decisions as to what we’re gonna do with it. Are we gonna live for Him or the world? Are we gonna love one another like Jesus does or are we gonna “love” one another like the enemy does. The choice is ours.

I’ve had a relationship with someone that I love beyond measure, that’s been breaking my heart and causing me such stress and anxiety, for quite some time. It has been such an on again, off again type relationship for far to long now. One minute I’m “loved and appreciated” and the best person and the next minute I’m hated and despised for who knows what. I just can’t play that game any longer! I have prayed and prayed and prayed, and will continue praying for how ever long it takes, for our relationship to be what God intended for it to be. Through so many prayers, tears, anger, love, worry, and just every possible emotion a person can feel, I now know that God has given me permission to sit back and simply “be still” (Psalms 46:10).

For years now, I’ve been trying to make things work out for my own selfish desires of wanting to continue a relationship even though it’s been such a train wreck of a relationship. I have done what ever it took so that I could have some kind of contact with them, even though I knew the happiness would be short lived. I have done everything within my own power to keep things running smoothly. The problem is that no matter what I do or say, it’s wrong. No matter how much I’m “loved”, it’s only temporary. But I now can see what the key problem is. It’s that I’ve been doing things in MY OWN power to try and fix this relationship but I can’t fix it, only God can. Only God can change the hearts of any man/woman. I do not have the power to “fix” anything, only the power of God can do that.

God has been telling me for a very long time now to leave it alone and do absolutely nothing but my own selfish desires, from missing them and loving so deeply that my heart literally aches from the lack of communication, that I always gave into those desires and reached out only for it to end, the way it always does, in more heart ache and pain. Clearly I haven’t been obedient in being still and letting God have complete control. This train wreck has been on again and off again for more than two years now and every time I let my guard down and think, “alright this is it, we’re finally on the mend and beginning to heal from previous angry hurts we’ve all dealt one another, it ends in a train wreck once again.

So I finally have given up. I’ve come to my whits end. I’m not saying it’s all them but I can’t keep being the only one to apologize and admit failure. I can’t keep giving it everything I’ve got and get nothing in return. I can’t keep riding on this roller coaster ride of emotions and continuing on with the disrespect and ignorance of it all. My heart can’t take it anymore! As much as I love them, I am willing to let them go since that seems to be what they want any way. I mean love is proven by actions not mere words and their actions have proven time and again that no relationship is wanted unless I do what they want when they want. If they get their way, they are happy. If not, I’m blocked and disowned. It’s just to much anymore. Life is to short to live like that.

Proverbs 9:7-9 (ESV)

Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse, and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you;
reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.

Just these past few months have I been able to truly let go and let God. I was making sure to say I love you once in a while, even though it was completely ignored almost every single time, but it’s time to be obedient to God THE FATHER. It’s time to trust Him completely with this entire situation. I just can’t take the pain any longer.

I’m learning to love them from a distance and that I must be okay with that. Some days are harder than others to fight myself as to not send a text just to say I love you but they know I love them, that’s never been an issue. I’ve made sure they know I love them and they just don’t seem to care. They’ve made that perfectly clear multiple times.

I will always love them………even if only from a distance.

Young Living

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Rough Day

Another rough day of pain. Ugh!! So over this flare up.

My BFF sent me this picture and it is so true! She truly gets me and there are no words to explain how much I appreciate and love her.

Speaks for itself

After day 4 (today) of this particular flare up and struggling to even get something accomplished (read My Office post), I’m so exhausted! My body is so tired and not like a normal “oh I’m tired”, it’s like an “I’m so tired I can’t see straight nor walk right kinda tired”. I feel like every bone and muscle I have is aching and burning and my skin tingles when someone just touches me. My head feels I can feel every single strand of hair and they hurt. I hate so many things about myself, especially my body, these days. But God right!?! If I didn’t have God to lean on and carry me on the days I can’t carry my own weight around, I honestly don’t know what I’d do with myself. Also, I am so thankful for my husband y’all! He does everything he can to help me. He tries so hard to ease my pain but nothing truly helps. It just has to run its course.

It’s so hard to explain so that others can have some kind of understanding of my misery. No one sees my “behind closed doors” struggles, I make sure of that. The two people I can’t hide from are God and my husband, they see it all, and they help me more than any others could. I rely on them for everything. Thank you Lord for your strength and mercy. Thank you David for loving me through it all.

As I type this, I realize that I really am very blessed! Way to blessed to stress over all of this pain. It’s nothing compared to what Jesus went through. Thank you Lord God for giving us Your Son on that cross to take our sins and fill us with The Holy Spirit once we give our life over to You. Thank you for helping me live in this pain every single day. I look so forward to my life in Heaven with You Lord.

Good night y’all. May God bless each and every one of you as He has me.