This is what happens for me after an evening of enjoyment.
I feel like an old lady⦠š

Met some family for dinner and I think the chair I used hates me! Back is not good today.
This is what happens for me after an evening of enjoyment.
I feel like an old lady⦠š
Met some family for dinner and I think the chair I used hates me! Back is not good today.
I donāt know about where youāre at but in Texas weāve already got that summer heat goin on and it is way to soon!
Typically this time of year it starts mild and gradually heating us up in preparation for July and August. This year, however, we are having July and August in May and June as well š„µ
Praying for rain and no triple digit days.
I watched a movie this evening that I had watched before but forgotten most of the scenes of. After it started I remembered the story line but decided to watch it again anyway just to refresh my memory of how it all played out. Plus, I figured, given that itās also a comedy itās a win win cuz who doesnāt love to laugh right!?!
Without going into the name of it, itās actors, etc., Iāll attempt to sum it up in a brief explanation, to the best of my ability, and make the point that I got out of it.
The movie from my prospective, in short, is about a woman that has excelled in her career without having had much education at all. However, in her attempt to āclimb the ladderā of her success it seems she had hit a rather unremovable road block. Her life long bff helps persuade her into taking a job that she had acquired through lies about her achievements. So while moving out the door of her stale career path and heading into a remarkable world of opportunity that turned out to be, in the end, the best thing that had ever happened to her sheās had a HUGE encounter with someone from her past. While falling in love with her new found daughter, sheād given up for adoption in her teenage years, she seems to have lost any future with the love of her life and boyfriend of five years. However, her career is at an all time high until…all the lies and hidden secrets begin to unravel.
Of course Iām leaving out the majority of the movie as to not ruin it for any of you that havenāt watched it. If you have watched it then youāll know the movie Iām writing about and may decide to watch again yourself.
Now, stick with me and letās move on.
The moral I got from the movie is sort of a āpunch lineā said during the movie by the boyfriend. Their relationship began on a lie, or rather a hidden secret that she never told him about, and one that she similarly repeats in the overwhelming love that sheās acquired for her new found daughter.
āNo relationship based on lies will ever surviveā packs a powerful punch to me. It is what the boyfriend says to her at one point during the movie. That statement has resonated with me ever since I heard him say it while watching the movie. Itās on repeat in my brain now as Iāve been pondering why itās stuck there.
So letās now shift from the movie and into my own lifeās relationships. Again, without going into extreme details and, of course, no names will be given but it has given me one of those āš”ā moments as it plays over and over again in my brain.
It has become one of those āTADAAAAAā moments to me all of a sudden but I now understand a particular relationship that Iāve been at such a loss about in my life for several years now. A relationship that started out beautifully but has become a thorn that I canāt seem to get to fester for healing. One that has destroyed a part of me that idk if Iāll ever be the same from. As I live and breathe itās oxygen sucking toxicity at times, I have a love for it that is confusingly exhausting to me when I attempt to understand it. Itās one of those love/hate relationships that tonight I FINALLY get. I finally understand it somewhat š Duh š¤¦āāļø Itās because ANY and all relationships built on lies will never last.
What a powerful statement that is.
Having had 3 flare ups already this month, I knew when I woke up that morning it was going to be an RA/Fibro flare kinda day but this has been the worst one yet. For what ever reason, flares are happening more often than what Iām used to. My daily meds arenāt seeming to help much anymore. š¤
When my alarm went off to begin my work day, I could barely roll over to even hit the snooze button. After snoozing a few times I managed to get myself up enough to sit up on the side of my bed to wake my body up completely. I do this every single morning but this particular morning the āstiffnessā was so intense that my body felt as if it had been injected with the thickness of molasses or something. My body seemed so heavy that the movement seemed to me as if I was moving in slow motion. It was like watching a turtle cross the road and impatiently waiting as to not kill the poor thing from trying to hurry it along. The pain radiated from each movement and felt like the heat coming off of an intense fire was racing through my joints. I knew I needed a hot shower to help get me moving a bit better or I wasnāt gonna be able to even get dressed. Usually a hot shower feels good and will loosen my joints up enough to move but that morning the shower didnāt even help me like it normally does. Not wanting to allow my body to control my day, I got dressed and went off to work pushing through the intense pain. Typically putting my mind to work offsets the miserable feeling thatās happening within my body that is unexplainable to others.
We all take a day off to play hooky once in a while. Those days are enjoyable right!?! But to take a day off or have to leave early because my body is not lining up with what my mind wants it to do is down right aggravating. I donāt like having to miss work, especially for reasons beyond my control such as a stupid flare up.
Eventually I did make it to work and wasnāt late by the 8 a m standard. However, I felt late because I am always there early to get logged into my stuff and be ready to work at 8 a m. As the day progressed, I got worse. I was beginning to convince myself that I had picked up a bug or something. I just wasnāt able to function like how a ānormalā RA/Fibro day goes for me. I had eaten breakfast and it didnāt bother me but by lunch time, I was afraid to even eat because of how I felt. My stomach was so queasy that I just didnāt want to take any chances. I hate to throw up!
As the day went on, my stomach felt more and more queasy and I began to get a mild headache from the nausea. Eventually, around 1:30, I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I felt some what better. So I thought okay, now I am good. Well it didnāt last long. I tried to stay at work to keep my mind occupied and off of the pain. Finally, around 3 I felt like I was gonna puke again so I decided it best to journey home and try to just sleep it off. After about 20 minutes of driving, takes me 35 minutes to get home, I wound up pulling over and got sick on the side of the road. Once I did make it home, I laid down and slept for almost two hour. When I woke up, I was fine. I was back to my ānormalā every day pain levels. The nausea was gone, no headache, I had some energy, I could maneuver my body and I knew that flare up had passed. I was able to eat supper and everything.
Thatās the worst flare up Iāve had to date. My first time to actually vomit from one.
Thankfully I am blessed enough to have some amazing co workers that refuse to let me allow myself to go down a āwhoa is meā, staying mad at myself for such stupidity type of a rabbit hole. They can tell when I need help and I wonāt even have to ask. They just help me. I couldnāt have asked for better co workers in my life.
Anyone living with Rheumatoid Arthritis, especially with the Fibromyalgia crap too, can relate to these types of flares. Being tired for us isnāt just the tired someone feels from a long sleepless night or a long hard days work, it is down right debilitating fatigue to the point of our mind is in a fog and our body just doesnāt work correctly. We forget, get confused, and totally go blank even on the easy stuff that just comes naturally to us on our ānormalā days. We just want to sleep š! Plus sleeping helps us to not feel the pain.
During such flare days, I wonāt even recognize that I need help most times but those that I am around the most can tell when Iām just not being myself. My husband especially. He is my rock star! I could NOT make it through this disease without such help from him and those people around me that just know, especially when the brain fog is so horrible that I donāt even recognize how āoffā my day is going, that I need help to make it through my day. They never ask what can they do, they just do!
I hate this disease and whatās happening to my body and mind that is beyond my control but I do love my life and those that God has placed in it. I would never want to do this life alone.
Thank you to those that just know. I am so grateful and love each of you beyond measure!
Well Iāve had another rest from blogging, and other stuff, as Iām sure yāall that follow me have noticed.
I never know when I will feel good and when I will feel awful due to this chronic pain I live with. Letās just say that Iāve had more down days than up lately for a number of reasons. I pray to be on the track to feeling good for more than a couple days at a time now. I just never know what each day holds for me until I begin it.
I have found myself cancelling things and saying no more than ever, even when I really want to. I apologize more than ever because I just canāt!! I hate the hold this autoimmune disease has over me. It isnāt just one thing. I have a number of things that taunt me daily.
So many say there āwell just do thisā or āhave you tried…ā and āI know that feelingā when really they donāt have a clue! I donāt even try to explain anymore I just say āthanks for that adviceā or āIāll try thatā just to move the conversation on from even talking about it any further. Most days I just want to scream but even thatās to exhausting. š
Any-who, enough about that!!
Pray for me and my husband! Say a special prayer for those not even in my life these days, whether theyāve chosen to walk away or Iāve just distanced myself from them, to love me through it anyway.
Good night world! May God hold your hand through the hard times just as He does for me because without God, I probably wouldnāt even be here. š
What does one do that feels like theyāve done everything humanly possible to make a relationship work yet it continues to fail? Ya know relationships fail all the time and people just hop on a plane or in a car and leave as to avoid admitting failure and repairing the damage.
Let me just say, itās easier to let go of some relationships than it is to let go of others. Iāve let go of a few relationships in my life to avoid letting them, or rather me allowing them, to have any control over me and my behavior. Sometimes itās just best to walk away or even let them walk away, but itās never easy to walk away from your kids without putting up a āfightā. But there comes a time when thereās just no fight left in you and you fall to your knees in tears begging God to help you. You find yourself asking God what youāre doing wrong. You find yourself having to take a step back and simply (not so simple) allow Gods will to be done and you do absolutely nothing but continually pray.
So after lots of prayers and petitions to God, this is what Heās told me multiple times is the best way to handle it. The best way for me to handle this particular situation is to not handle it at all. I have to let go and let God handle it once and for all.
Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.
Iāve come to the conclusion that there comes a time when we have to make hard decisions, even when it seems like the hardest decision youāll ever have to make, for ourselves. Decisions that we know will effect us for a long period of time. Decisions that hurt our hearts so badly that our chest physically hurts. Decisions that are for our own protection. Decisions that will prevent us from giving into the foolishness of controversy. Decisions that may have people you love so deeply having nothing to do with you. Decisions to simply guard your own heart from breaking so badly that it seems in repairable. Decisions to not allow the enemy to use anyone to cause you to fall back into your old self.
Once you feel like youāve gone around the same āmountainā so many times and never see new scenery, itās time to finally just jump the train track if you will. Itās time to sit back and truly, 100%, turn it over to God. Itās okay to protect yourself. Itās okay to protect your own heart and your own emotions from the same ole train wreck that always happens when you let your guard down.
God is our Father and He wants to protect us from hurt and harm but more often than not, we bring it upon ourselves then we get mad at God and ask Him why HE ALLOWED THIS to happen to us. He didnāt! We did! And we have to stop it. We must finally break the cycle. We have to decide that it needs to stop and it needs to stop right now. Only then can God begin a work in the situation and help to mend things or cause us to move on from it until they decide they want to mend it as well.
No relationship of any kind can be one sided and have success. Relationships of any kind takes pride and hard work to keep it humbly unique in unity. We must each choose to be happy with one another, no matter our flaws. God can change anyoneās heart but He gives us the decisions as to what weāre gonna do with it. Are we gonna live for Him or the world? Are we gonna love one another like Jesus does or are we gonna āloveā one another like the enemy does. The choice is ours.
Iāve had a relationship with someone that I love beyond measure, thatās been breaking my heart and causing me such stress and anxiety, for quite some time. It has been such an on again, off again type relationship for far to long now. One minute Iām āloved and appreciatedā and the best person and the next minute Iām hated and despised for who knows what. I just canāt play that game any longer! I have prayed and prayed and prayed, and will continue praying for how ever long it takes, for our relationship to be what God intended for it to be. Through so many prayers, tears, anger, love, worry, and just every possible emotion a person can feel, I now know that God has given me permission to sit back and simply ābe stillā (Psalms 46:10).
For years now, Iāve been trying to make things work out for my own selfish desires of wanting to continue a relationship even though itās been such a train wreck of a relationship. I have done what ever it took so that I could have some kind of contact with them, even though I knew the happiness would be short lived. I have done everything within my own power to keep things running smoothly. The problem is that no matter what I do or say, itās wrong. No matter how much Iām ālovedā, itās only temporary. But I now can see what the key problem is. Itās that Iāve been doing things in MY OWN power to try and fix this relationship but I canāt fix it, only God can. Only God can change the hearts of any man/woman. I do not have the power to āfixā anything, only the power of God can do that.
God has been telling me for a very long time now to leave it alone and do absolutely nothing but my own selfish desires, from missing them and loving so deeply that my heart literally aches from the lack of communication, that I always gave into those desires and reached out only for it to end, the way it always does, in more heart ache and pain. Clearly I havenāt been obedient in being still and letting God have complete control. This train wreck has been on again and off again for more than two years now and every time I let my guard down and think, āalright this is it, weāre finally on the mend and beginning to heal from previous angry hurts weāve all dealt one another, it ends in a train wreck once again.
So I finally have given up. Iāve come to my whits end. Iām not saying itās all them but I canāt keep being the only one to apologize and admit failure. I canāt keep giving it everything Iāve got and get nothing in return. I canāt keep riding on this roller coaster ride of emotions and continuing on with the disrespect and ignorance of it all. My heart canāt take it anymore! As much as I love them, I am willing to let them go since that seems to be what they want any way. I mean love is proven by actions not mere words and their actions have proven time and again that no relationship is wanted unless I do what they want when they want. If they get their way, they are happy. If not, Iām blocked and disowned. Itās just to much anymore. Life is to short to live like that.
Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse, and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you;
reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.
Just these past few months have I been able to truly let go and let God. I was making sure to say I love you once in a while, even though it was completely ignored almost every single time, but itās time to be obedient to God THE FATHER. Itās time to trust Him completely with this entire situation. I just canāt take the pain any longer.
Iām learning to love them from a distance and that I must be okay with that. Some days are harder than others to fight myself as to not send a text just to say I love you but they know I love them, thatās never been an issue. Iāve made sure they know I love them and they just donāt seem to care. Theyāve made that perfectly clear multiple times.
I will always love them………even if only from a distance.
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Another rough day of pain. Ugh!! So over this flare up.
My BFF sent me this picture and it is so true! She truly gets me and there are no words to explain how much I appreciate and love her.
After day 4 (today) of this particular flare up and struggling to even get something accomplished (read My Office post), Iām so exhausted! My body is so tired and not like a normal āoh Iām tiredā, itās like an āIām so tired I canāt see straight nor walk right kinda tiredā. I feel like every bone and muscle I have is aching and burning and my skin tingles when someone just touches me. My head feels I can feel every single strand of hair and they hurt. I hate so many things about myself, especially my body, these days. But God right!?! If I didnāt have God to lean on and carry me on the days I canāt carry my own weight around, I honestly donāt know what Iād do with myself. Also, I am so thankful for my husband yāall! He does everything he can to help me. He tries so hard to ease my pain but nothing truly helps. It just has to run its course.
Itās so hard to explain so that others can have some kind of understanding of my misery. No one sees my ābehind closed doorsā struggles, I make sure of that. The two people I canāt hide from are God and my husband, they see it all, and they help me more than any others could. I rely on them for everything. Thank you Lord for your strength and mercy. Thank you David for loving me through it all.
As I type this, I realize that I really am very blessed! Way to blessed to stress over all of this pain. Itās nothing compared to what Jesus went through. Thank you Lord God for giving us Your Son on that cross to take our sins and fill us with The Holy Spirit once we give our life over to You. Thank you for helping me live in this pain every single day. I look so forward to my life in Heaven with You Lord.
Good night yāall. May God bless each and every one of you as He has me.