Tag Archives: exhausted

Another Rest

Well I’ve had another rest from blogging, and other stuff, as I’m sure y’all that follow me have noticed.

I never know when I will feel good and when I will feel awful due to this chronic pain I live with. Let’s just say that I’ve had more down days than up lately for a number of reasons. I pray to be on the track to feeling good for more than a couple days at a time now. I just never know what each day holds for me until I begin it.

I have found myself cancelling things and saying no more than ever, even when I really want to. I apologize more than ever because I just can’t!! I hate the hold this autoimmune disease has over me. It isn’t just one thing. I have a number of things that taunt me daily.

So many say there “well just do this” or “have you tried…” and “I know that feeling” when really they don’t have a clue! I don’t even try to explain anymore I just say “thanks for that advice” or “I’ll try that” just to move the conversation on from even talking about it any further. Most days I just want to scream but even that’s to exhausting. 😂

Any-who, enough about that!!

Pray for me and my husband! Say a special prayer for those not even in my life these days, whether they’ve chosen to walk away or I’ve just distanced myself from them, to love me through it anyway.

Good night world! May God hold your hand through the hard times just as He does for me because without God, I probably wouldn’t even be here. 💕

Relationship

Which track this time?

What does one do that feels like they’ve done everything humanly possible to make a relationship work yet it continues to fail? Ya know relationships fail all the time and people just hop on a plane or in a car and leave as to avoid admitting failure and repairing the damage.

Let me just say, it’s easier to let go of some relationships than it is to let go of others. I’ve let go of a few relationships in my life to avoid letting them, or rather me allowing them, to have any control over me and my behavior. Sometimes it’s just best to walk away or even let them walk away, but it’s never easy to walk away from your kids without putting up a “fight”. But there comes a time when there’s just no fight left in you and you fall to your knees in tears begging God to help you. You find yourself asking God what you’re doing wrong. You find yourself having to take a step back and simply (not so simple) allow Gods will to be done and you do absolutely nothing but continually pray.

So after lots of prayers and petitions to God, this is what He’s told me multiple times is the best way to handle it. The best way for me to handle this particular situation is to not handle it at all. I have to let go and let God handle it once and for all.

2 Timothy 2:23-26 (ESV) says:

Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there comes a time when we have to make hard decisions, even when it seems like the hardest decision you’ll ever have to make, for ourselves. Decisions that we know will effect us for a long period of time. Decisions that hurt our hearts so badly that our chest physically hurts. Decisions that are for our own protection. Decisions that will prevent us from giving into the foolishness of controversy. Decisions that may have people you love so deeply having nothing to do with you. Decisions to simply guard your own heart from breaking so badly that it seems in repairable. Decisions to not allow the enemy to use anyone to cause you to fall back into your old self.

Once you feel like you’ve gone around the same “mountain” so many times and never see new scenery, it’s time to finally just jump the train track if you will. It’s time to sit back and truly, 100%, turn it over to God. It’s okay to protect yourself. It’s okay to protect your own heart and your own emotions from the same ole train wreck that always happens when you let your guard down.

God is our Father and He wants to protect us from hurt and harm but more often than not, we bring it upon ourselves then we get mad at God and ask Him why HE ALLOWED THIS to happen to us. He didn’t! We did! And we have to stop it. We must finally break the cycle. We have to decide that it needs to stop and it needs to stop right now. Only then can God begin a work in the situation and help to mend things or cause us to move on from it until they decide they want to mend it as well.

No relationship of any kind can be one sided and have success. Relationships of any kind takes pride and hard work to keep it humbly unique in unity. We must each choose to be happy with one another, no matter our flaws. God can change anyone’s heart but He gives us the decisions as to what we’re gonna do with it. Are we gonna live for Him or the world? Are we gonna love one another like Jesus does or are we gonna “love” one another like the enemy does. The choice is ours.

I’ve had a relationship with someone that I love beyond measure, that’s been breaking my heart and causing me such stress and anxiety, for quite some time. It has been such an on again, off again type relationship for far to long now. One minute I’m “loved and appreciated” and the best person and the next minute I’m hated and despised for who knows what. I just can’t play that game any longer! I have prayed and prayed and prayed, and will continue praying for how ever long it takes, for our relationship to be what God intended for it to be. Through so many prayers, tears, anger, love, worry, and just every possible emotion a person can feel, I now know that God has given me permission to sit back and simply “be still” (Psalms 46:10).

For years now, I’ve been trying to make things work out for my own selfish desires of wanting to continue a relationship even though it’s been such a train wreck of a relationship. I have done what ever it took so that I could have some kind of contact with them, even though I knew the happiness would be short lived. I have done everything within my own power to keep things running smoothly. The problem is that no matter what I do or say, it’s wrong. No matter how much I’m “loved”, it’s only temporary. But I now can see what the key problem is. It’s that I’ve been doing things in MY OWN power to try and fix this relationship but I can’t fix it, only God can. Only God can change the hearts of any man/woman. I do not have the power to “fix” anything, only the power of God can do that.

God has been telling me for a very long time now to leave it alone and do absolutely nothing but my own selfish desires, from missing them and loving so deeply that my heart literally aches from the lack of communication, that I always gave into those desires and reached out only for it to end, the way it always does, in more heart ache and pain. Clearly I haven’t been obedient in being still and letting God have complete control. This train wreck has been on again and off again for more than two years now and every time I let my guard down and think, “alright this is it, we’re finally on the mend and beginning to heal from previous angry hurts we’ve all dealt one another, it ends in a train wreck once again.

So I finally have given up. I’ve come to my whits end. I’m not saying it’s all them but I can’t keep being the only one to apologize and admit failure. I can’t keep giving it everything I’ve got and get nothing in return. I can’t keep riding on this roller coaster ride of emotions and continuing on with the disrespect and ignorance of it all. My heart can’t take it anymore! As much as I love them, I am willing to let them go since that seems to be what they want any way. I mean love is proven by actions not mere words and their actions have proven time and again that no relationship is wanted unless I do what they want when they want. If they get their way, they are happy. If not, I’m blocked and disowned. It’s just to much anymore. Life is to short to live like that.

Proverbs 9:7-9 (ESV)

Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse, and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you;
reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.

Just these past few months have I been able to truly let go and let God. I was making sure to say I love you once in a while, even though it was completely ignored almost every single time, but it’s time to be obedient to God THE FATHER. It’s time to trust Him completely with this entire situation. I just can’t take the pain any longer.

I’m learning to love them from a distance and that I must be okay with that. Some days are harder than others to fight myself as to not send a text just to say I love you but they know I love them, that’s never been an issue. I’ve made sure they know I love them and they just don’t seem to care. They’ve made that perfectly clear multiple times.

I will always love them………even if only from a distance.

Young Living

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Rough Day

Another rough day of pain. Ugh!! So over this flare up.

My BFF sent me this picture and it is so true! She truly gets me and there are no words to explain how much I appreciate and love her.

Speaks for itself

After day 4 (today) of this particular flare up and struggling to even get something accomplished (read My Office post), I’m so exhausted! My body is so tired and not like a normal “oh I’m tired”, it’s like an “I’m so tired I can’t see straight nor walk right kinda tired”. I feel like every bone and muscle I have is aching and burning and my skin tingles when someone just touches me. My head feels I can feel every single strand of hair and they hurt. I hate so many things about myself, especially my body, these days. But God right!?! If I didn’t have God to lean on and carry me on the days I can’t carry my own weight around, I honestly don’t know what I’d do with myself. Also, I am so thankful for my husband y’all! He does everything he can to help me. He tries so hard to ease my pain but nothing truly helps. It just has to run its course.

It’s so hard to explain so that others can have some kind of understanding of my misery. No one sees my “behind closed doors” struggles, I make sure of that. The two people I can’t hide from are God and my husband, they see it all, and they help me more than any others could. I rely on them for everything. Thank you Lord for your strength and mercy. Thank you David for loving me through it all.

As I type this, I realize that I really am very blessed! Way to blessed to stress over all of this pain. It’s nothing compared to what Jesus went through. Thank you Lord God for giving us Your Son on that cross to take our sins and fill us with The Holy Spirit once we give our life over to You. Thank you for helping me live in this pain every single day. I look so forward to my life in Heaven with You Lord.

Good night y’all. May God bless each and every one of you as He has me.