Tag Archives: forgiveness

Thanksgiving 2020

Happy Thanksgiving 🦃

In light of the year it’s been, this Thanksgiving’s “thankful for’s” could be very different from years past. I know mine is but in everything we are to be thankful.

“Rejoice always and delight in your faith; be unceasing and persistent in prayer; in every situation [no matter what the circumstances] be thankful and continually give thanks to God; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.”
‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5:16-18‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Scripture tells us that Jesus will have a second coming and that we should be prepared for that day, every day, because we do not know the day nor the hour of His return.

“But of that [exact] day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son [in His humanity], but the Father alone. For the coming of the Son of Man (the Messiah) will be just like the days of Noah.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭24:36-37‬ ‭AMP‬‬

So for 2020’s world changing year, I am thankful that Jesus has given me a second (multiple) chance (chances) to get my affairs in order. While I am saved, this trying year has taught me that I need to prepare more than ever for Jesus’ return. Some things I thought were important to me aren’t as important as I thought while other things I thought weren’t so important are very important. Thank you Jesus for never giving up on me!

So, what are you thankful for this year? Comment below…

Broken and Beautiful

Kelly Clarkson sings a song called “Broken and Beautiful” and it is so relatable for me because I feel so broken, most days, these days BUT GOD and loved ones y’all; right!?!

Broken and Beautiful (YouTube screen shot)

I live with lots of chronic pain in my entire body, due to a few medical issues, that causes me to live with so much pain around the clock. Some days it’s “hide-ably” tolerable and some days it hurts to just wake up! Lots of days, I just wanna sleep and not wake up until the pain hurts no more.

So many Dr’s!!!!! So many surgeries!!!!! So many “Let’s Try This!” So many “Lets Run This Test.” So many “Xrays and blood work!” So many unknowns but let’s keep seeking for answers until I am so sick of it all!!!!!😫

My most recent surgery, just 5 weeks ago, was for them to put in a nerve stimulator implant in my back. For those that don’t know what that is, it’s a machine that’s basically an internal Tens Unit that blocks the nerve signals that go to my brain telling my brain that I feel pain. While it has helped, it’s not as helpful as we’d hoped. I would say it’s helped by maybe 30% when it’s turned on.

As I type this, it’s 2:20 A M and I can’t sleep. And since I’m awake, I feel the aches and burns going on through out my entire body. In my shoulders, arms and hands I feel aches, throbs, burns, down to my finger bones hurting so bad at times that I just shake them off and hang them down to my sides for a few seconds of that momentary cold sensational relief. Some times I just wanna take em off and set em aside for a bit, swap em out with another pair, massage them momentarily, just something for some kind of relief! This is not what the stimulator is for, that’s for my feet, legs, lower back, and hip pain (which didn’t help my left hip much at all). To be fair though, I rarely mention my shoulders, hands, and arm pains at all because there’s so much other crap that hurts way worse.

I don’t know how to explain it, all I can say is I just HURT ALL OVER and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want more freaking medicine. I don’t want another dang surgery. I rarely even want to be touched but I don’t want to be rude. I don’t want to seem mean to any one. I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings. I don’t want to hurt anymore PERIOD! So, to avoid things in this paragraph, I stay home a lot more.

So much of this unexplainable pain just makes me so danged irritable at times. I have gotten to where I just avoid being around people and certain situations all together. I rarely get out and about by myself anymore because I never know from moment to moment what I’m going to be able to tolerate because the pain changes from day to day through out each and every single day. Simply put; I just hurt and I don’t want it to become an excuse for any thing in my life but it’s very debilitating at times. Thankfully though the migraines have almost completely stopped since my neck surgery was done in December of last year. So that’s a positive praise! Thank you Jesus!

I just simply have “unexplainable chronic pain” that’s un-relatable to anyone and everyone around me therefore it’s hard for you to understand. Just know that some days are good days for me and some days are bad but more often than not I just “fake the smiles” to make it through the day with as little complaining as possible because I don’t want to be a burdensome person to anyone. However, I do love deeply and I want y’all to know that I truly appreciate ALL of the prayers and support from you all! I feel ya 🤟♥️

To those of you that do show me true genuine love and support (not just when ya want something) through all of the “maybe this’ll help” processes that I continue to go through to find relief, I love you from the depth of my being and I apologize for not being able to physically help any of you but I do pray that I’m there for you, as you are for me, to the best of my abilities because without God and y’all I don’t know how I’d cope with this life.

So thanks for just being your true selves y’all 😊 #ILYMTTYBLTT❤️

Purpose for Pain

Oddly Enough devotion by Carolanne Miljavac

When we take our eyes off Jesus and focus on self, most of this worldly pain is unbearable.

We must continue the path that God has us on because only He knows the lessons we are to learn and the many lives that’ll be touched by our obedience to Him.

Pain hurts, no matter the reasoning! The lack of understanding that we have toward said pain is why we begin to question God and what He’s allowing to take place in our lives. It’s not until we begin to fully trust Him that the pain becomes tolerable.

Keep your eyes off the world! Stay true to who you are in Christ! While things won’t always make sense, it’ll always be worth it because there’s always life lessons to learn that’ll strengthen our trust and faith in Jesus.

Heartbroken

I don’t know how I’m suppose to feel but I can tell you how I do feel.

A couple of days ago now the news was shared, on a Facebook group that I’m in, about a wreck that took place locally. There were only four comments posted before the comment thread had been turned off as to not allow any more comments, yet the headline simply read “Car Accident” with the picture below attached to it.

Injury Accident.
Pick up truck vs car.

Accidents, in many forms, come about so frequently these days that I never stop to ponder any more if it could be anyone that I may know. I just always have the mind set, with technology today, that surely I’d know by now if it was anyone that I’m close to or related to.

When I read headlines and/or comments about anything like this that takes place, I immediately feel sad for those involved, in any way, but I will usually pray something simple like “God please be with those affected by this and allow them to all be okay” and scroll on as I did with this one.

When my daughter was little she was very active in little league softball, summer league tournament softball, Jr High and High school softball, as well as dance, and even cheerleading. All the way up through her senior year she remained very active in softball and dance, in any way she possibly could, because they were her two favorite things to do. So there were so many of her coaches, teachers, class mates, and even parents that have touched my life and have remained a part of my heart even after all of these years.

Through out my daughters upbringing, she is now 23 and married herself, many of her classmates will forever remain in my heart as I’ve been able to share in their own upbringing and life experiences not only through real life but also through social media life. This allows me to still be able to smile for the joys in their lives and makes me feel that I still get to be a small part of their own life happenings. Through this, even when they don’t know it, I’m cheering them on like I used to do from the side lines and I still get to witness and share in their own life happiness. That’s one of the biggest perks of social media in my opinion.

But rarely do I get to witness or get to be a small part of their heartbreaks and life shattering moments. This is because most people, me included, don’t like to share the true vulnerable parts of their lives for the world to see. We don’t want to let people see inside of our pain and heartaches because they would for sure judge us. Plus that would taint our own outward image of ourselves that we want people to see right. Not that it’s a bad thing necessarily, it’s just how life works for so many of us in today’s world.

As I’m typing this, through so many tears flowing down my face, my own heart feels shattered into many pieces for one particular young lady and her family that touched my heart from my daughters upbringing. She has been a part of my heart from my daughters very first year of little league softball. “God please continue to wrap Your arms around them all as they need You now more than ever before!! In Jesus name I pray, Amen!”

Anyway, when I read that “Car Accident” headline never did I imagine that one of my daughters classmates lives, especially one that I have personally loved since they were in elementary school as well as loving her parents still to this day, would be changed forever!!

Not only are her and her fiancé new parents together but, after having read so many Facebook posts and comments, it seems as if they were the light of one another’s world. It appears as if they’ve been through so much with one another, good and bad, in such a short amount of time.

BUT GOD YALL!

It appears as if they’ve been able to overcome the world together with God as their anchor. God must’ve continued to bring them back to one another because, the way I understand what I was reading typed in their own words, it’s as if God intervened for their relationship to be. God must’ve brought them back to a sense of forgiveness and security with another because He completely healed their relationship for reasons unbeknownst to many of us looking into theirs lives through Facebook. It’s as if God continued to carry them through all the heartache and love the two of them have for one another and even gave them a beautiful baby girl to cherish together in that love. Both of them seem to give God all of the glory for their successful relationship and now parenthood as well.

And as I scrolled through Facebook, two days later now, for reasons that we are never meant to question or understand the three of them were involved in this car accident together as one happy little family only for the young man not to make it!?!

Like “WHAT”!?!

Instinctively I want to know why. I want to know what happened. I want the young lady to know how much I love her. I want her parents to know my heart is shattered with them. I want to know so much, as do so many others, but God doesn’t work the way we want Him to. He doesn’t allow us to know so many things because we wouldn’t be able to handle the answers given to us.

I don’t believe that God “allows” bad things to happen to us but I do believe that everything that happens to us, God uses for good.

So as I type this through the tears and continue to pray for all involved in any minuet way, the thing I want shared most of all, is that only God knows the answers to our why. Only God knows our future. Only God knows how long we get to live and love those that we do. Only God knows why bad things happen to good people every single day. Only God knows ALL things because we aren’t suppose to know! We couldn’t handle to know the answers to every why question that we have. What I do know is that, once the young lady heals and is released from the hospital, she and their daughter are gonna be okay…eventually.

Their baby girl was unharmed physically but she will forever now have to grow up without her biological father and the perks of having him be a active part in her life. So I pray that she grows up to know and cling to the only Father that she’ll ever need and that’s God The Father.

More of what I do know is that this family is a God fearing family that loves the Lord, even through their heartaches, with ever ounce of their being. I do know that their church family and community of loved ones will shower them with such agape love that they will overcome this tragedy and be stronger in their faith because of it. I do know that God will continue to help them heal as a family together. I do know that I am a better person having been able to know them and witness how they love God so deeply in their own walks of life. I do know that I am thankful that God put them in our lives so many years ago. And I do know that I will continue to pray for them, as well as everyone affected by this car accident, with every thought of them that I have.

My thoughts, prayers, and love go out to each of them as I continue to love and pray for them from a distance!

Worship at Home

I woke up this morning with the song “Build My Life” by Housefires in my heart. I don’t know about you but when I wake up with songs in my head like this, I have to listen to it multiple times right then because, to me, I take it as a sign from Holy Spirit that the lyrics are what He’s speaking to me in that moment.

There’s nothing like hearing from God through Holy Spirit!

What greater way to commune with God than worshipping our Lord in privacy, just you and Him, in your room. No eyes watchin you, just you and Holy!! DON’T WORSHIP FOR SHOW YALL! IF YOU CAN WORSHIP IN CHRUCH BUILDING BUT CAN’T WORSHIP IN PRIVATE, CHRCK YOUR HEART!

To me, it is sooooo much greater to worship our Lord and Savior in private y’all. There’s just a movement that is so powerful that it makes me cry, smile, laugh out loud, or fall to my knees in my prayer. There’s just nothing like feeling in tune with Jesus in private!

Once we build our foundation on the true roots of God Almighty, we can’t be shaken. No pain in the world, no holes in your heart, no ignorance of human, no feelings of not being worthy, no sadness in the world, nothin of man kind can tear us down!! Don’t turn your eyes from Jesus! Focus on The Holy Spirit that God fills us with, instead of the aches and pains in day to day life! Live for Jesus, not your kids, not work, not anything of this world!!! Live for Jesus each and every day and He will fill you with what’s needed! MAKE IT A FIRM FOUNDATION in Christ!! Plant the roots so deep in Jesus that not even your kids can reap benefits of hurting you anymore!!

Don’t allow any pain in your heart (what ever that is for you) to take over the roots in Christ!! Strengthen your roots in Christ by reading His Word and praising Him in worship!!

HOLY THERE IS NO ONE LIKE YOU; THERE IS NONE BESIDE YOU; FILL US WITH YOUR HEART LORD!!!
SHOW US ALL LORD!!! SHOW US WHO YOU ARE DURING THE TRIALS OF LIFE!!!!! HELP US TO PUT OUR TRUST IN YOU AND NOT BE SHAKEN!!! MAINTAIN OUR ROOT SYSTEM WITH YOUR LOVE!!! IN JESUS NAME, AMEN!!!

(Picture from Google search)

Just Venting

Can I just be honest for a sec….prob piss some of ya off but, ya know, THAT’S WHAT I DO anyway right so I might as well be honest…if ya love me, ya know my heart is always in the right place. You’ll either let it roll off or let it stick to ya. It’ll either make sense to you or not. And if it really pisses ya off, I just won’t hear from ya again right!?!

It’s what evvvssssss…

Any who, I’ve just watched this #RedNoseDay fundraiser and I love the comedy and the laughter it created this year. It’s really been very enjoyable to watch. Every year millions of dollars are raised to help children in need around the world and that’s great y’all, seriously I’m all for that! Kids do need help from adults every single day!

Moving on…

I get that #covid19 is horrible and it’s killing many people world wide (fact is, it’s not killing as many as what’s being reported because people every where are admitting to lying about it for the gain of money from the government) BUT WHERE ARE THE CELEBRITIES FOR HELPING THOSE DYING FROM ABUSE, SUICIDE, THOSE BABIES (HUMANS TOO) DYING FROM ABORTION, DYING FROM CAR WRECKS, DYING FROM OTHER ILLNESSES BESIDES CANCER(always helped and talked about. I don’t mean that derogatory; it’s a good thang), THAT LIST COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON…I MEAN SERIOUSLY YALL, C’MON ALREADY…ENOUGH WITH THE POUR PITIFUL CORONAVIRUS “INVASION”!!
PEOPLE EVERYWHERE ARE NOW USING CORONAVIRUS AS A TOOL AND TRYING TO MAKE THE WELL PEOPLE FEEL GUILTY OR SOMETHING FOR NOT BEING SICK! IT SUCKS!!! WE ALL KNOW IT SUCKS!!! BUT WE ARE SMART PEOPLES (well mostly)!! WE NOW KNOW WHAT HELPS AS A PREVENTATIVE! USE WHAT YOU’VE BEEN TAUGHT THAT WORKS!
It is sad that people are dying from it, but the MAJORITY of the ill people are NOT DYING from it. People everywhere are dying from much worse and the world hasn’t gone “ALL OUT” (literally) because of it. The world has kept going and living their lives because that’s what we do.
Help those ya can, pray for everyone, use your dadgum BRAINS (that God gave you) and try to prevent yourself and your family from getting sick (which we do every single day anyway) from COVID, or any other airborne illness that’s out there, and MOVE ON WITH LIFE!! If you’re alive, GOD AIN’T DONE WITH YOU YET!!! GET OUT THERE AND MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELVES! HELP OTHERS!! GET HELP IF YA NEED TO!!!

SHARE THE GOOD NEWS OF JESUS WITH ANYONE THAT’LL LISTEN!! LEAN OF GOD, NOT MANKIND!! MANKIND IS A DAILY LET DOWN….GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU!!

Ok, I’m done now. I feel better getting that off my chest.

Peace and blessings to y’all.

Good night!

Dreams

Do you believe that dreams mean something? I know some people that do and some people that don’t. Some dreams are so real sometimes that I’ve woke myself up, more than once, crying real tears. Tonight I had a strange one. It seemed so real during the dreaming time that when I finally woke up, or got woken up I should say, it’s left me scratching the top of my head wondering what it means.

I wonder why we dream at all? Are they significantly purposeful ya think? Do they truly have meanings behind them?

Most nights I don’t have any dreams at all. Some nights I’ll have several in one night. Then there’s those that leave such an impression that it keeps me awake for a while before I can go back to sleep. Then there’s the very few that have left me thinkin on them for days on end.

Tonight it was one of those that’s got me thinkin, staying awake talking to God, and now writing, typing actually, it down for y’all to ponder with me.

Today was like any other day I suppose. My husband and I spent the day together. He went to town this morning to have the oil changed in our car but was back home before I woke up. He’s an early riser ALL THE TIME! I, on the other hand, enjoy sleeping in. I don’t like to be woke up. I’d rather sleep until my body decides it’s had enough rest for one day. Once I did wake up though, we did our usual just hangin out around the house together kinda day. He even cooked us a wonderful supper this evening. We didn’t watch anything out of the norm on tv. Every Friday and Saturday night we watch Live PD then go to bed.

I can’t think of any reason to have the kind of dream that I had, especially to have been woken up by my husband. He said I was hollering for him so loudly that it woke him up. In my dream I know I was trying to yell and couldn’t but I didn’t know it was a dream until he woke me up.

We have two recliners side by side in our living room and, in my dream, I was still in mine but my husband had already laid down. In our bedroom we have a small window unit in and I knew I’d need to holler loud enough for him to hear me over the unit so I was trying to scream but nothing was coming out. It was so weird! It was like I was out of my body hovering over myself and I could see everything so clearly. I was in my recliner and the enemy himself was holding me down and covering my mouth. My entire body was like jello. I couldn’t move! I couldn’t talk! And I sure enough couldn’t scream! I kept trying. I tried to get up only to be shoved back down. I was trying to lift my arms and they literally, from the top view, looked like an episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants where his arms were just wavy. I had no control over them. I finally began trying to shout rebukes in the name of Jesus and I slowly began to regain control over myself. I began to sing “Jesus Loves Me” as loud and mumbling as possible. The more I said Jesus and sang out loud, even though my words weren’t clear, the less the enemy had control over me. I was FINALLY free enough to stand to my feet. Once I stood up I said “Satan you must flee from me IN THE NAME OF JESUS because you have no control over me” and just like that, he fled. Then I began yelling for my husband again and that’s when he woke me up because he heard me in real life yelling his name. He asked if I was alright and told me I must’ve been dreaming then he went right back to sleep and I can’t.

I don’t know how to interpret dreams but there was one man in the Bible named Joseph that could. I wonder what he’d tell me my dream meant?

Frustrating Day

My morning started off pretty good. My husband and I got up and prepared to head out for the hour and a half trip to see my Rheumatologist but we were quickly halted when my husband found that our water heater had been leaking. Thankfully he seen it before we had a complete mess on our hands. The drain pan was almost to the rim full of water. It would not have made it another week until he got back so, after a few calls, he got in touch with a plumber that could replace it TODAY! WooHoo, thank ya Lord! So we gather what info we need from the old one in order to buy a new one.

We finish getting ready to go and head out.

Next stop, Dr office.

That appointment was also a frustrating ordeal. First my husband wasn’t allowed to even go inside with me, due to this covid19 crap, then the lab tech chased a vein in my right arm for a good five minutes before deciding to try my left arm for a good vein. Of course she got it the first stick only for something goofy to happen and her wind up having to chase that vein too for some reason. BUT she was finally able to get her three tubes of blood from that arm so that’s good. The tech was very nice and apologetic during it all, which I greatly appreciated, so that was helpful in keeping my frustration at a minimal. I even told her it was fine, no need to apologize because it just happens that way some times and she appreciated my understanding.

Next stop is Lowe’s for our brand new water heater. So thankful that we had the means necessary in order to purchase a new one but this too took longer than expected. The gentleman that helped us was very nice and LOVED to chit chat. After finally getting what we needed the nice gentleman even helped my husband get it outside and into the back of our pick up.

So, off we go for our journey back home because the plumber we were able to get in touch with will have his “hands” to meet us there. Once the two gentlemen got the tank drained and outside, they began the install of the new one. BUT, you guessed it, they have some unexpected issues with the install and it is now going to take way longer than expected to complete the job.

Thankfully, once they are complete and outta here, all is well once again.

UNTIL it isn’t.

As I began to clean up the mess, not a big one, left behind from the job that has taken several hours to complete, I find that the new water heater is now leaking. I call the plumber and after a few “discussions” on a few different calls, we both agree that it’ll be fine to wait til morning for them to come back and see what’s happening now.

So my husband is back where he needs to be for work and I am off to bed to begin my morning in the morning, once more, with the water heater situation.

Moral of this story you may ask……..I just felt like sharing part of my very frustrating day with y’all and also to share that SATAN DID NOT WIN TODAY!!

I’m now off to lay my frustrations down at the feet of Jesus and have a great night of peaceful rest in spite of my frustrating day.

Hopefully y’all can do the same and have a good night!

God Is Good

Have you ever wondered if God was paying attention to you and what’s going on in your life? Have you ever felt left out or ignored by Him? Boy, I sure have and not that long ago either.

There are times when I am just so unsure of anything and everything that is happening in and to me in life that it’s a struggle to even get out of bed of a morning.

But God y’all. But God is always working, even when we don’t see it.

Looking back at the most recent events in my life, there is no possible way to deny that God has been working the entire time. Scripture tells us what Jesus said to the Jews in John 5:17 (AMP). “But Jesus answered them, “My Father has been working until now [He has never ceased working], and I too am working.””

What a reassuring statement.

So many times we sit back and say we trust Jesus but our actions show otherwise. This is not pleasing to God or ourselves. We must always show that we trust in our Lord, even in times of struggle and ignorance.

My husband was laid off, with little to no warning, just a couple of months ago. We were panicked and unsure of what to do. We have to have income coming in to support our household expenses. I work but it’s only part time. That’s not nearly enough to carry us.

Thankfully God provided! And just in time too. Gods timing is always the perfect timing.

John 14:1 AMP, again with Jesus talking, says “Do not let your heart be troubled (afraid, cowardly). Believe [confidently] in God and trust in Him, [have faith, hold on to it, rely on it, keep going and] believe also in Me.”‬‬

My husband was able to get unemployment rather quickly, which is very rare. We had our first check within two weeks. And I was able to get more hours during the exact time frame that we needed, before being dropped back down to part time.

Totally God there y’all.

My husband began a new job April 1, making more money than he was and with the best benefits we’ve ever had before.

God had to remove my husband from his old job, use the six full weeks of unemployment to prepare him for the exact timing that God had set for him to begin a brand new job, in a totally new area, with all new people. And he’s loving it.

Sometimes change is good so keep an open mind when changes occur. Ask God what He wants you to do. God was working in our lives behind the scenes the entire time and He continues to do so every moment of every day.

God is so good y’all! All the time.

Relationship

Which track this time?

What does one do that feels like they’ve done everything humanly possible to make a relationship work yet it continues to fail? Ya know relationships fail all the time and people just hop on a plane or in a car and leave as to avoid admitting failure and repairing the damage.

Let me just say, it’s easier to let go of some relationships than it is to let go of others. I’ve let go of a few relationships in my life to avoid letting them, or rather me allowing them, to have any control over me and my behavior. Sometimes it’s just best to walk away or even let them walk away, but it’s never easy to walk away from your kids without putting up a “fight”. But there comes a time when there’s just no fight left in you and you fall to your knees in tears begging God to help you. You find yourself asking God what you’re doing wrong. You find yourself having to take a step back and simply (not so simple) allow Gods will to be done and you do absolutely nothing but continually pray.

So after lots of prayers and petitions to God, this is what He’s told me multiple times is the best way to handle it. The best way for me to handle this particular situation is to not handle it at all. I have to let go and let God handle it once and for all.

2 Timothy 2:23-26 (ESV) says:

Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there comes a time when we have to make hard decisions, even when it seems like the hardest decision you’ll ever have to make, for ourselves. Decisions that we know will effect us for a long period of time. Decisions that hurt our hearts so badly that our chest physically hurts. Decisions that are for our own protection. Decisions that will prevent us from giving into the foolishness of controversy. Decisions that may have people you love so deeply having nothing to do with you. Decisions to simply guard your own heart from breaking so badly that it seems in repairable. Decisions to not allow the enemy to use anyone to cause you to fall back into your old self.

Once you feel like you’ve gone around the same “mountain” so many times and never see new scenery, it’s time to finally just jump the train track if you will. It’s time to sit back and truly, 100%, turn it over to God. It’s okay to protect yourself. It’s okay to protect your own heart and your own emotions from the same ole train wreck that always happens when you let your guard down.

God is our Father and He wants to protect us from hurt and harm but more often than not, we bring it upon ourselves then we get mad at God and ask Him why HE ALLOWED THIS to happen to us. He didn’t! We did! And we have to stop it. We must finally break the cycle. We have to decide that it needs to stop and it needs to stop right now. Only then can God begin a work in the situation and help to mend things or cause us to move on from it until they decide they want to mend it as well.

No relationship of any kind can be one sided and have success. Relationships of any kind takes pride and hard work to keep it humbly unique in unity. We must each choose to be happy with one another, no matter our flaws. God can change anyone’s heart but He gives us the decisions as to what we’re gonna do with it. Are we gonna live for Him or the world? Are we gonna love one another like Jesus does or are we gonna “love” one another like the enemy does. The choice is ours.

I’ve had a relationship with someone that I love beyond measure, that’s been breaking my heart and causing me such stress and anxiety, for quite some time. It has been such an on again, off again type relationship for far to long now. One minute I’m “loved and appreciated” and the best person and the next minute I’m hated and despised for who knows what. I just can’t play that game any longer! I have prayed and prayed and prayed, and will continue praying for how ever long it takes, for our relationship to be what God intended for it to be. Through so many prayers, tears, anger, love, worry, and just every possible emotion a person can feel, I now know that God has given me permission to sit back and simply “be still” (Psalms 46:10).

For years now, I’ve been trying to make things work out for my own selfish desires of wanting to continue a relationship even though it’s been such a train wreck of a relationship. I have done what ever it took so that I could have some kind of contact with them, even though I knew the happiness would be short lived. I have done everything within my own power to keep things running smoothly. The problem is that no matter what I do or say, it’s wrong. No matter how much I’m “loved”, it’s only temporary. But I now can see what the key problem is. It’s that I’ve been doing things in MY OWN power to try and fix this relationship but I can’t fix it, only God can. Only God can change the hearts of any man/woman. I do not have the power to “fix” anything, only the power of God can do that.

God has been telling me for a very long time now to leave it alone and do absolutely nothing but my own selfish desires, from missing them and loving so deeply that my heart literally aches from the lack of communication, that I always gave into those desires and reached out only for it to end, the way it always does, in more heart ache and pain. Clearly I haven’t been obedient in being still and letting God have complete control. This train wreck has been on again and off again for more than two years now and every time I let my guard down and think, “alright this is it, we’re finally on the mend and beginning to heal from previous angry hurts we’ve all dealt one another, it ends in a train wreck once again.

So I finally have given up. I’ve come to my whits end. I’m not saying it’s all them but I can’t keep being the only one to apologize and admit failure. I can’t keep giving it everything I’ve got and get nothing in return. I can’t keep riding on this roller coaster ride of emotions and continuing on with the disrespect and ignorance of it all. My heart can’t take it anymore! As much as I love them, I am willing to let them go since that seems to be what they want any way. I mean love is proven by actions not mere words and their actions have proven time and again that no relationship is wanted unless I do what they want when they want. If they get their way, they are happy. If not, I’m blocked and disowned. It’s just to much anymore. Life is to short to live like that.

Proverbs 9:7-9 (ESV)

Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse, and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you;
reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.

Just these past few months have I been able to truly let go and let God. I was making sure to say I love you once in a while, even though it was completely ignored almost every single time, but it’s time to be obedient to God THE FATHER. It’s time to trust Him completely with this entire situation. I just can’t take the pain any longer.

I’m learning to love them from a distance and that I must be okay with that. Some days are harder than others to fight myself as to not send a text just to say I love you but they know I love them, that’s never been an issue. I’ve made sure they know I love them and they just don’t seem to care. They’ve made that perfectly clear multiple times.

I will always love them………even if only from a distance.

« Older Entries