4 Months Post Op

Bypass on 7.13.22

I had my bypass on 7.13.22 and I had a rough go from the hospital and well into my second month. I had so many regrets for why in the heck I did this to myself. It was so horrible y’all, pain wise and puking wise. It didn’t matter what I swallowed it was coming back up. FINALLY it was time to seen my cardiologist and he determined it was my blood pressure pill that was making me so danged sick. Apparently when you’re body no longer needs the help with blood pressure, the pill I was taking twice a day kept me so horribly sick. Dr said you don’t need it anymore so stop taking it. It took about 3 days to get it all outta my system before I began to feel better. Today? TODAY YALL I’m feeling better than I have felt in years, even with 3 types of arthritis in my body, and now I am able to eat pretty much anything I want, except sausage of any kind. I am a bit concerned of back sliding because I never wanna go back to eating junk food/sweets, etc. like I used to. I just take a bite here and there of what I do crave just to satisfy my want of it, instead of starving myself from it, and it has helped me so much. There’s even some things that I used to LOVE that no longer even appeals to my taste anymore.

I pray daily that God helps me control my mind and eating habits because without His strength, I am such a weak human. I began my journey at 246 lbs and today I am at 166. I went from an 18/20 size pants and a 2-3xl shirt down to (as of today) a size 14 pant and a large shirt. 80pbs down and 20 more to go to be at my personal goal weight. I am just in aww yall.

Some days I look in the mirror and still see my big fat self and have to remind myself that I control my own thinking. I tell myself to stop thinkin negative thoughts so I can see the positives. We control our own thinking process so we must tell our mind what to think instead of letting our mind think what it wants.

Hope my testimony helps someone else. If you’re on the fence, JUST DO IT…

Some Know Some Don’t

This past week I began my bariatric journey. I haven’t kept it a secret but I don’t tell anyone just in conversation either. Those closest to me of course know and have been a strong support system and I know they will continue to do so. I have been in a Facebook group for several months now and it has helped so much. Reading other peoples journey and following their success stories is good for the mind.

Of course it’s gonna be hard, I have no doubts about that, but it is a life style change that I pray every single day will help me with my over all health issues. So far, I have not been to nervous about it, I am just ready to get it done so my healing can begin. I have done my liquid diet for 7 full days now and I’ve already dropped 4 lbs so that’s encouraging leading into the days ahead. Tomorrow I go in to do an EGD, after goin in to see my Dr for pre op, then Wednesday is my gastric bypass procedure.

I am so ready to lose the weight and feel 100% better! All prayers for success are coveted and appreciated.

𝙴𝚟𝚒𝚕 𝙻𝚞𝚛𝚔𝚜

𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚘 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚕 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚍𝚊𝚢! 𝙽𝚘 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚊𝚏𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚒𝚝’𝚜 𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚑. 𝙿𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚝, 𝚕𝚒𝚎, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚌𝚊𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚐𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚍. 𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗 𝚒𝚐𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚊 𝚋𝚊𝚍 𝚠𝚊𝚢. 𝙸𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚜 𝚞𝚗𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚘𝚛 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝙸𝚐𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚙𝚞𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚜.

𝙸𝚗 𝚝𝚘𝚍𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚎𝚌𝚑𝚗𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚢, 𝚒𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚓𝚘𝚋 𝚝𝚘 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚟𝚎𝚜, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛, 𝚊𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚠𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚜𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚍𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚒𝚝𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚞𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍 𝚠𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚌𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚗.

𝙽𝚘𝚝 𝚊𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚝 𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚖𝚊𝚍𝚎 𝚊 𝚏𝚘𝚘𝚕 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚞𝚜. 𝙸𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚊𝚍𝚖𝚒𝚝 𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚎’𝚟𝚎 𝚖𝚊𝚍𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚜𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚒𝚐𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚞𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚍𝚊𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝚊𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍. 𝙴𝚖𝚋𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚊𝚜𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝 & 𝚏𝚊𝚒𝚕𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚋𝚢 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚍𝚖𝚒𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚛 𝚌𝚒𝚛𝚌𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚎𝚗𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚎𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚑 𝚞𝚜 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚞𝚗𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗 𝚘𝚗 𝚒𝚗 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚜. 𝚂𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚎 𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚕𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘. 𝙸𝚗 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚠𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚊𝚔 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚊𝚜 𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚗. 𝚆𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚓𝚞𝚍𝚐𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚕 𝚒𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚞𝚒𝚗𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚕𝚢 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚍. 𝚆𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚑𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚛, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛, 𝚎𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚠𝚎 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚙 𝚊𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚙𝚞𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚗 𝚜𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚞𝚗𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜.

𝙿𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚌𝚛𝚞𝚎𝚕. 𝙿𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏𝚒𝚜𝚑. 𝙿𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚜. 𝙿𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛, 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚣𝚎𝚛𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚜𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜. 𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚎 𝚜𝚘 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚘𝚛 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚟𝚎𝚍 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 “𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎𝚗” 𝚋𝚢 𝚊 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚛, 𝚎𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚊𝚗 𝚘𝚗 𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚛. 𝚅𝚞𝚕𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚐𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚞𝚜 𝚊𝚗 𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚢 𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚍 𝚞𝚙𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚖𝚢.

𝙰𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚙𝚛𝚊𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚔 𝙶𝚘𝚍𝚜 𝚊𝚍𝚟𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚐𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚘 𝚒𝚗𝚟𝚘𝚕𝚟𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚐𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚐𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚖𝚎𝚜𝚖𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚣𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚜. 𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎𝚐𝚒𝚗 𝚛𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚒𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚜 𝚜𝚘 𝚏𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚍𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎.

𝚁𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛: 𝙸𝚏 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚖𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚎, 𝚒𝚝 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚋𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚢 𝚒𝚜.

𝙽𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚊𝚏𝚛𝚊𝚒𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚔 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚊𝚍𝚟𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚞𝚙𝚙𝚘𝚛𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚛 𝚌𝚒𝚛𝚌𝚕𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜. “𝚁𝚎𝚍 𝙵𝚕𝚊𝚐𝚜” 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚘 𝚞𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚟𝚎𝚜. 𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚛 𝚌𝚒𝚛𝚌𝚕𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗’𝚝 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜.

𝚃𝚛𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝙶𝚘𝚍, 𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚝, 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝙷𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚞𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚛 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚜𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚞𝚜. 𝙹𝚎𝚜𝚞𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙾𝙽𝙻𝚈 𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚝𝚘 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚊 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚕 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍. 𝙴𝚟𝚒𝚕 𝚕𝚞𝚛𝚔𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚔 𝚎𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚍𝚎𝚟𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚎𝚍.

𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎’𝚜 𝚊𝚗 𝚘𝚕𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚐𝚘𝚎𝚜 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜; “𝙵𝚘𝚘𝚕 𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞. 𝙵𝚘𝚘𝚕 𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚠𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚖𝚎”. 𝙳𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚘𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚘𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚋𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚐𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚢𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚐𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞. 𝚆𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚙𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚛𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚕 𝚒𝚗 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚐𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎.

𝚂𝚝𝚊𝚢 𝚏𝚘𝚌𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚗 𝙹𝚎𝚜𝚞𝚜 𝚢𝚊𝚕𝚕! 𝙷𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚛. 𝙷𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚝𝚑! 𝙷𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎! 𝙹𝚎𝚜𝚞𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝙻𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙶𝚘𝚍; 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙻𝙾𝚁𝙳 𝙶𝙾𝙳.

𝙿𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚖𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚠𝚎 𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝚒𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚠𝚊𝚢.

𝙷𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚞𝚙 𝚑𝚒𝚐𝚑 𝚊𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚔𝚢.

𝙳𝚘𝚗𝚝 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚕 𝚊 𝚏𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚛𝚒𝚙 𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞.

Day After…

This is what happens for me after an evening of enjoyment.

I feel like an old lady… 😂

Heat Therapy

Met some family for dinner and I think the chair I used hates me! Back is not good today.

Exhausted

When I wake up feeling exhausted from a good nights sleep, I know what kinda day my body is going to have. I just want to climb back in bed and sleep it off but duty calls. I will go to work anyway with affirmation of thankfulness and joy to be alive to feel the pain.

Thank you Jesus for giving me another day to live for you and share you with others.

Do you hate your life?

Someone told me they hate their life the other day. My response was well I don’t hate mine. I love my life! I really do.

Life is what you make of it. If you’re negative all the time and only focus on the negative things that happen every day then you’re going to think and produce negativity in everything you do and say. What you’re putting in, through tv, games, people you’re around, etc, if it’s rarely anything positive then you will only produce negative thoughts, behavior, and words say about yourself and to others.

I have told my kids their entire lives that you are who you run with because it’s so true. If you run with negative you’ll produce negative. In every single situation, whether it be good or bad, there is ALWAYS positive. We may not always be able to find it in the moment, but it’s always in there. Negativity is easy to find. Positive is harder so we must seek it out.

So, no matter what life throws your way, choose to be joyfully happy and find the positive in each situation, instead of focusing on the bad stuff and reproducing that.

😃 Don’t Worry; Be Happy 😃 It really is a choice we get to make for ourselves.

Hurt Heart

Words hurt and can’t be taken back as I’ve learned the hard way for most of my adult life. The closer with Christ I learn to walk/live the statement in the photo has proven to be more and more accurate. We know a true Christian by how they act, respond, talk, live, etc. Jesus was the only perfect human to ever walk the earth. In saying that, we must remember that walking with Christ doesn’t make any human perfect in any way. Nor does it make us “better than” any other human on earth. It does however, mean that we should do our level best to represent Him in every way to the best of our abilities. When we do wrong or say wrong, especially when upset, angered, or frustrated, we must repent and ask forgiveness from God and the person we’ve offended intentionally or unintentionally.

Repentance (turning from wickedness and seeking Gods forgiveness) is something that we must do moment to moment on the daily. Then we must apologize to those that we’ve hurt, whether it be an intentional hurt or not! People know Christian’s by how we treat others, not by mere words alone. Words can be lies used to get something or to make a person seem like they are one way when truly they aren’t that way at all. Lies are NEVER good! A persons actions, whether hurtful or not, speak louder volume than words ever will. Don’t let your actions hinder another persons walk that is still growing in the areas you may have already matured in. We each grow at different paces. We each have our own “demons”, and/or faults, that we battle on the daily.

Don’t be afraid or ashamed to admit failure and repent from it. Don’t be afraid to admit failure to another human being that you’ve wronged either. It is okay to say “I’m sorry! I screwed up”….(for me)once AGAIN! We’re ALL human and WE ALL screw up and make mistakes.

Relationships

Even when it hurts…

I watched a movie this evening that I had watched before but forgotten most of the scenes of. After it started I remembered the story line but decided to watch it again anyway just to refresh my memory of how it all played out. Plus, I figured, given that it’s also a comedy it’s a win win cuz who doesn’t love to laugh right!?!

Without going into the name of it, it’s actors, etc., I’ll attempt to sum it up in a brief explanation, to the best of my ability, and make the point that I got out of it.

The movie from my prospective, in short, is about a woman that has excelled in her career without having had much education at all. However, in her attempt to “climb the ladder” of her success it seems she had hit a rather unremovable road block. Her life long bff helps persuade her into taking a job that she had acquired through lies about her achievements. So while moving out the door of her stale career path and heading into a remarkable world of opportunity that turned out to be, in the end, the best thing that had ever happened to her she’s had a HUGE encounter with someone from her past. While falling in love with her new found daughter, she’d given up for adoption in her teenage years, she seems to have lost any future with the love of her life and boyfriend of five years. However, her career is at an all time high until…all the lies and hidden secrets begin to unravel.

Of course I’m leaving out the majority of the movie as to not ruin it for any of you that haven’t watched it. If you have watched it then you’ll know the movie I’m writing about and may decide to watch again yourself.

Now, stick with me and let’s move on.

The moral I got from the movie is sort of a “punch line” said during the movie by the boyfriend. Their relationship began on a lie, or rather a hidden secret that she never told him about, and one that she similarly repeats in the overwhelming love that she’s acquired for her new found daughter.

“No relationship based on lies will ever survive” packs a powerful punch to me. It is what the boyfriend says to her at one point during the movie. That statement has resonated with me ever since I heard him say it while watching the movie. It’s on repeat in my brain now as I’ve been pondering why it’s stuck there.

So let’s now shift from the movie and into my own life’s relationships. Again, without going into extreme details and, of course, no names will be given but it has given me one of those “💡” moments as it plays over and over again in my brain.

It has become one of those “TADAAAAA” moments to me all of a sudden but I now understand a particular relationship that I’ve been at such a loss about in my life for several years now. A relationship that started out beautifully but has become a thorn that I can’t seem to get to fester for healing. One that has destroyed a part of me that idk if I’ll ever be the same from. As I live and breathe it’s oxygen sucking toxicity at times, I have a love for it that is confusingly exhausting to me when I attempt to understand it. It’s one of those love/hate relationships that tonight I FINALLY get. I finally understand it somewhat 🙄 Duh 🤦‍♀️ It’s because ANY and all relationships built on lies will never last.

What a powerful statement that is.

Worst Flare Up To Date

Having had 3 flare ups already this month, I knew when I woke up that morning it was going to be an RA/Fibro flare kinda day but this has been the worst one yet. For what ever reason, flares are happening more often than what I’m used to. My daily meds aren’t seeming to help much anymore. 🤔

(Meme found online)

When my alarm went off to begin my work day, I could barely roll over to even hit the snooze button. After snoozing a few times I managed to get myself up enough to sit up on the side of my bed to wake my body up completely. I do this every single morning but this particular morning the “stiffness” was so intense that my body felt as if it had been injected with the thickness of molasses or something. My body seemed so heavy that the movement seemed to me as if I was moving in slow motion. It was like watching a turtle cross the road and impatiently waiting as to not kill the poor thing from trying to hurry it along. The pain radiated from each movement and felt like the heat coming off of an intense fire was racing through my joints. I knew I needed a hot shower to help get me moving a bit better or I wasn’t gonna be able to even get dressed. Usually a hot shower feels good and will loosen my joints up enough to move but that morning the shower didn’t even help me like it normally does. Not wanting to allow my body to control my day, I got dressed and went off to work pushing through the intense pain. Typically putting my mind to work offsets the miserable feeling that’s happening within my body that is unexplainable to others.

We all take a day off to play hooky once in a while. Those days are enjoyable right!?! But to take a day off or have to leave early because my body is not lining up with what my mind wants it to do is down right aggravating. I don’t like having to miss work, especially for reasons beyond my control such as a stupid flare up.

Eventually I did make it to work and wasn’t late by the 8 a m standard. However, I felt late because I am always there early to get logged into my stuff and be ready to work at 8 a m. As the day progressed, I got worse. I was beginning to convince myself that I had picked up a bug or something. I just wasn’t able to function like how a “normal” RA/Fibro day goes for me. I had eaten breakfast and it didn’t bother me but by lunch time, I was afraid to even eat because of how I felt. My stomach was so queasy that I just didn’t want to take any chances. I hate to throw up!

As the day went on, my stomach felt more and more queasy and I began to get a mild headache from the nausea. Eventually, around 1:30, I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I felt some what better. So I thought okay, now I am good. Well it didn’t last long. I tried to stay at work to keep my mind occupied and off of the pain. Finally, around 3 I felt like I was gonna puke again so I decided it best to journey home and try to just sleep it off. After about 20 minutes of driving, takes me 35 minutes to get home, I wound up pulling over and got sick on the side of the road. Once I did make it home, I laid down and slept for almost two hour. When I woke up, I was fine. I was back to my “normal” every day pain levels. The nausea was gone, no headache, I had some energy, I could maneuver my body and I knew that flare up had passed. I was able to eat supper and everything.

That’s the worst flare up I’ve had to date. My first time to actually vomit from one.

Thankfully I am blessed enough to have some amazing co workers that refuse to let me allow myself to go down a “whoa is me”, staying mad at myself for such stupidity type of a rabbit hole. They can tell when I need help and I won’t even have to ask. They just help me. I couldn’t have asked for better co workers in my life.

(Meme found online)

Anyone living with Rheumatoid Arthritis, especially with the Fibromyalgia crap too, can relate to these types of flares. Being tired for us isn’t just the tired someone feels from a long sleepless night or a long hard days work, it is down right debilitating fatigue to the point of our mind is in a fog and our body just doesn’t work correctly. We forget, get confused, and totally go blank even on the easy stuff that just comes naturally to us on our “normal” days. We just want to sleep 🛌! Plus sleeping helps us to not feel the pain.

During such flare days, I won’t even recognize that I need help most times but those that I am around the most can tell when I’m just not being myself. My husband especially. He is my rock star! I could NOT make it through this disease without such help from him and those people around me that just know, especially when the brain fog is so horrible that I don’t even recognize how “off” my day is going, that I need help to make it through my day. They never ask what can they do, they just do!

I hate this disease and what’s happening to my body and mind that is beyond my control but I do love my life and those that God has placed in it. I would never want to do this life alone.

Thank you to those that just know. I am so grateful and love each of you beyond measure!

Heartbroken

I don’t know how I’m suppose to feel but I can tell you how I do feel.

A couple of days ago now the news was shared, on a Facebook group that I’m in, about a wreck that took place locally. There were only four comments posted before the comment thread had been turned off as to not allow any more comments, yet the headline simply read “Car Accident” with the picture below attached to it.

Injury Accident.
Pick up truck vs car.

Accidents, in many forms, come about so frequently these days that I never stop to ponder any more if it could be anyone that I may know. I just always have the mind set, with technology today, that surely I’d know by now if it was anyone that I’m close to or related to.

When I read headlines and/or comments about anything like this that takes place, I immediately feel sad for those involved, in any way, but I will usually pray something simple like “God please be with those affected by this and allow them to all be okay” and scroll on as I did with this one.

When my daughter was little she was very active in little league softball, summer league tournament softball, Jr High and High school softball, as well as dance, and even cheerleading. All the way up through her senior year she remained very active in softball and dance, in any way she possibly could, because they were her two favorite things to do. So there were so many of her coaches, teachers, class mates, and even parents that have touched my life and have remained a part of my heart even after all of these years.

Through out my daughters upbringing, she is now 23 and married herself, many of her classmates will forever remain in my heart as I’ve been able to share in their own upbringing and life experiences not only through real life but also through social media life. This allows me to still be able to smile for the joys in their lives and makes me feel that I still get to be a small part of their own life happenings. Through this, even when they don’t know it, I’m cheering them on like I used to do from the side lines and I still get to witness and share in their own life happiness. That’s one of the biggest perks of social media in my opinion.

But rarely do I get to witness or get to be a small part of their heartbreaks and life shattering moments. This is because most people, me included, don’t like to share the true vulnerable parts of their lives for the world to see. We don’t want to let people see inside of our pain and heartaches because they would for sure judge us. Plus that would taint our own outward image of ourselves that we want people to see right. Not that it’s a bad thing necessarily, it’s just how life works for so many of us in today’s world.

As I’m typing this, through so many tears flowing down my face, my own heart feels shattered into many pieces for one particular young lady and her family that touched my heart from my daughters upbringing. She has been a part of my heart from my daughters very first year of little league softball. “God please continue to wrap Your arms around them all as they need You now more than ever before!! In Jesus name I pray, Amen!”

Anyway, when I read that “Car Accident” headline never did I imagine that one of my daughters classmates lives, especially one that I have personally loved since they were in elementary school as well as loving her parents still to this day, would be changed forever!!

Not only are her and her fiancé new parents together but, after having read so many Facebook posts and comments, it seems as if they were the light of one another’s world. It appears as if they’ve been through so much with one another, good and bad, in such a short amount of time.

BUT GOD YALL!

It appears as if they’ve been able to overcome the world together with God as their anchor. God must’ve continued to bring them back to one another because, the way I understand what I was reading typed in their own words, it’s as if God intervened for their relationship to be. God must’ve brought them back to a sense of forgiveness and security with another because He completely healed their relationship for reasons unbeknownst to many of us looking into theirs lives through Facebook. It’s as if God continued to carry them through all the heartache and love the two of them have for one another and even gave them a beautiful baby girl to cherish together in that love. Both of them seem to give God all of the glory for their successful relationship and now parenthood as well.

And as I scrolled through Facebook, two days later now, for reasons that we are never meant to question or understand the three of them were involved in this car accident together as one happy little family only for the young man not to make it!?!

Like “WHAT”!?!

Instinctively I want to know why. I want to know what happened. I want the young lady to know how much I love her. I want her parents to know my heart is shattered with them. I want to know so much, as do so many others, but God doesn’t work the way we want Him to. He doesn’t allow us to know so many things because we wouldn’t be able to handle the answers given to us.

I don’t believe that God “allows” bad things to happen to us but I do believe that everything that happens to us, God uses for good.

So as I type this through the tears and continue to pray for all involved in any minuet way, the thing I want shared most of all, is that only God knows the answers to our why. Only God knows our future. Only God knows how long we get to live and love those that we do. Only God knows why bad things happen to good people every single day. Only God knows ALL things because we aren’t suppose to know! We couldn’t handle to know the answers to every why question that we have. What I do know is that, once the young lady heals and is released from the hospital, she and their daughter are gonna be okay…eventually.

Their baby girl was unharmed physically but she will forever now have to grow up without her biological father and the perks of having him be a active part in her life. So I pray that she grows up to know and cling to the only Father that she’ll ever need and that’s God The Father.

More of what I do know is that this family is a God fearing family that loves the Lord, even through their heartaches, with ever ounce of their being. I do know that their church family and community of loved ones will shower them with such agape love that they will overcome this tragedy and be stronger in their faith because of it. I do know that God will continue to help them heal as a family together. I do know that I am a better person having been able to know them and witness how they love God so deeply in their own walks of life. I do know that I am thankful that God put them in our lives so many years ago. And I do know that I will continue to pray for them, as well as everyone affected by this car accident, with every thought of them that I have.

My thoughts, prayers, and love go out to each of them as I continue to love and pray for them from a distance!

Worship at Home

I woke up this morning with the song “Build My Life” by Housefires in my heart. I don’t know about you but when I wake up with songs in my head like this, I have to listen to it multiple times right then because, to me, I take it as a sign from Holy Spirit that the lyrics are what He’s speaking to me in that moment.

There’s nothing like hearing from God through Holy Spirit!

What greater way to commune with God than worshipping our Lord in privacy, just you and Him, in your room. No eyes watchin you, just you and Holy!! DON’T WORSHIP FOR SHOW YALL! IF YOU CAN WORSHIP IN CHRUCH BUILDING BUT CAN’T WORSHIP IN PRIVATE, CHRCK YOUR HEART!

To me, it is sooooo much greater to worship our Lord and Savior in private y’all. There’s just a movement that is so powerful that it makes me cry, smile, laugh out loud, or fall to my knees in my prayer. There’s just nothing like feeling in tune with Jesus in private!

Once we build our foundation on the true roots of God Almighty, we can’t be shaken. No pain in the world, no holes in your heart, no ignorance of human, no feelings of not being worthy, no sadness in the world, nothin of man kind can tear us down!! Don’t turn your eyes from Jesus! Focus on The Holy Spirit that God fills us with, instead of the aches and pains in day to day life! Live for Jesus, not your kids, not work, not anything of this world!!! Live for Jesus each and every day and He will fill you with what’s needed! MAKE IT A FIRM FOUNDATION in Christ!! Plant the roots so deep in Jesus that not even your kids can reap benefits of hurting you anymore!!

Don’t allow any pain in your heart (what ever that is for you) to take over the roots in Christ!! Strengthen your roots in Christ by reading His Word and praising Him in worship!!

HOLY THERE IS NO ONE LIKE YOU; THERE IS NONE BESIDE YOU; FILL US WITH YOUR HEART LORD!!!
SHOW US ALL LORD!!! SHOW US WHO YOU ARE DURING THE TRIALS OF LIFE!!!!! HELP US TO PUT OUR TRUST IN YOU AND NOT BE SHAKEN!!! MAINTAIN OUR ROOT SYSTEM WITH YOUR LOVE!!! IN JESUS NAME, AMEN!!!

(Picture from Google search)

Just Venting

Can I just be honest for a sec….prob piss some of ya off but, ya know, THAT’S WHAT I DO anyway right so I might as well be honest…if ya love me, ya know my heart is always in the right place. You’ll either let it roll off or let it stick to ya. It’ll either make sense to you or not. And if it really pisses ya off, I just won’t hear from ya again right!?!

It’s what evvvssssss…

Any who, I’ve just watched this #RedNoseDay fundraiser and I love the comedy and the laughter it created this year. It’s really been very enjoyable to watch. Every year millions of dollars are raised to help children in need around the world and that’s great y’all, seriously I’m all for that! Kids do need help from adults every single day!

Moving on…

I get that #covid19 is horrible and it’s killing many people world wide (fact is, it’s not killing as many as what’s being reported because people every where are admitting to lying about it for the gain of money from the government) BUT WHERE ARE THE CELEBRITIES FOR HELPING THOSE DYING FROM ABUSE, SUICIDE, THOSE BABIES (HUMANS TOO) DYING FROM ABORTION, DYING FROM CAR WRECKS, DYING FROM OTHER ILLNESSES BESIDES CANCER(always helped and talked about. I don’t mean that derogatory; it’s a good thang), THAT LIST COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON…I MEAN SERIOUSLY YALL, C’MON ALREADY…ENOUGH WITH THE POUR PITIFUL CORONAVIRUS “INVASION”!!
PEOPLE EVERYWHERE ARE NOW USING CORONAVIRUS AS A TOOL AND TRYING TO MAKE THE WELL PEOPLE FEEL GUILTY OR SOMETHING FOR NOT BEING SICK! IT SUCKS!!! WE ALL KNOW IT SUCKS!!! BUT WE ARE SMART PEOPLES (well mostly)!! WE NOW KNOW WHAT HELPS AS A PREVENTATIVE! USE WHAT YOU’VE BEEN TAUGHT THAT WORKS!
It is sad that people are dying from it, but the MAJORITY of the ill people are NOT DYING from it. People everywhere are dying from much worse and the world hasn’t gone “ALL OUT” (literally) because of it. The world has kept going and living their lives because that’s what we do.
Help those ya can, pray for everyone, use your dadgum BRAINS (that God gave you) and try to prevent yourself and your family from getting sick (which we do every single day anyway) from COVID, or any other airborne illness that’s out there, and MOVE ON WITH LIFE!! If you’re alive, GOD AIN’T DONE WITH YOU YET!!! GET OUT THERE AND MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELVES! HELP OTHERS!! GET HELP IF YA NEED TO!!!

SHARE THE GOOD NEWS OF JESUS WITH ANYONE THAT’LL LISTEN!! LEAN OF GOD, NOT MANKIND!! MANKIND IS A DAILY LET DOWN….GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU!!

Ok, I’m done now. I feel better getting that off my chest.

Peace and blessings to y’all.

Good night!

Relationship

Which track this time?

What does one do that feels like they’ve done everything humanly possible to make a relationship work yet it continues to fail? Ya know relationships fail all the time and people just hop on a plane or in a car and leave as to avoid admitting failure and repairing the damage.

Let me just say, it’s easier to let go of some relationships than it is to let go of others. I’ve let go of a few relationships in my life to avoid letting them, or rather me allowing them, to have any control over me and my behavior. Sometimes it’s just best to walk away or even let them walk away, but it’s never easy to walk away from your kids without putting up a “fight”. But there comes a time when there’s just no fight left in you and you fall to your knees in tears begging God to help you. You find yourself asking God what you’re doing wrong. You find yourself having to take a step back and simply (not so simple) allow Gods will to be done and you do absolutely nothing but continually pray.

So after lots of prayers and petitions to God, this is what He’s told me multiple times is the best way to handle it. The best way for me to handle this particular situation is to not handle it at all. I have to let go and let God handle it once and for all.

2 Timothy 2:23-26 (ESV) says:

Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there comes a time when we have to make hard decisions, even when it seems like the hardest decision you’ll ever have to make, for ourselves. Decisions that we know will effect us for a long period of time. Decisions that hurt our hearts so badly that our chest physically hurts. Decisions that are for our own protection. Decisions that will prevent us from giving into the foolishness of controversy. Decisions that may have people you love so deeply having nothing to do with you. Decisions to simply guard your own heart from breaking so badly that it seems in repairable. Decisions to not allow the enemy to use anyone to cause you to fall back into your old self.

Once you feel like you’ve gone around the same “mountain” so many times and never see new scenery, it’s time to finally just jump the train track if you will. It’s time to sit back and truly, 100%, turn it over to God. It’s okay to protect yourself. It’s okay to protect your own heart and your own emotions from the same ole train wreck that always happens when you let your guard down.

God is our Father and He wants to protect us from hurt and harm but more often than not, we bring it upon ourselves then we get mad at God and ask Him why HE ALLOWED THIS to happen to us. He didn’t! We did! And we have to stop it. We must finally break the cycle. We have to decide that it needs to stop and it needs to stop right now. Only then can God begin a work in the situation and help to mend things or cause us to move on from it until they decide they want to mend it as well.

No relationship of any kind can be one sided and have success. Relationships of any kind takes pride and hard work to keep it humbly unique in unity. We must each choose to be happy with one another, no matter our flaws. God can change anyone’s heart but He gives us the decisions as to what we’re gonna do with it. Are we gonna live for Him or the world? Are we gonna love one another like Jesus does or are we gonna “love” one another like the enemy does. The choice is ours.

I’ve had a relationship with someone that I love beyond measure, that’s been breaking my heart and causing me such stress and anxiety, for quite some time. It has been such an on again, off again type relationship for far to long now. One minute I’m “loved and appreciated” and the best person and the next minute I’m hated and despised for who knows what. I just can’t play that game any longer! I have prayed and prayed and prayed, and will continue praying for how ever long it takes, for our relationship to be what God intended for it to be. Through so many prayers, tears, anger, love, worry, and just every possible emotion a person can feel, I now know that God has given me permission to sit back and simply “be still” (Psalms 46:10).

For years now, I’ve been trying to make things work out for my own selfish desires of wanting to continue a relationship even though it’s been such a train wreck of a relationship. I have done what ever it took so that I could have some kind of contact with them, even though I knew the happiness would be short lived. I have done everything within my own power to keep things running smoothly. The problem is that no matter what I do or say, it’s wrong. No matter how much I’m “loved”, it’s only temporary. But I now can see what the key problem is. It’s that I’ve been doing things in MY OWN power to try and fix this relationship but I can’t fix it, only God can. Only God can change the hearts of any man/woman. I do not have the power to “fix” anything, only the power of God can do that.

God has been telling me for a very long time now to leave it alone and do absolutely nothing but my own selfish desires, from missing them and loving so deeply that my heart literally aches from the lack of communication, that I always gave into those desires and reached out only for it to end, the way it always does, in more heart ache and pain. Clearly I haven’t been obedient in being still and letting God have complete control. This train wreck has been on again and off again for more than two years now and every time I let my guard down and think, “alright this is it, we’re finally on the mend and beginning to heal from previous angry hurts we’ve all dealt one another, it ends in a train wreck once again.

So I finally have given up. I’ve come to my whits end. I’m not saying it’s all them but I can’t keep being the only one to apologize and admit failure. I can’t keep giving it everything I’ve got and get nothing in return. I can’t keep riding on this roller coaster ride of emotions and continuing on with the disrespect and ignorance of it all. My heart can’t take it anymore! As much as I love them, I am willing to let them go since that seems to be what they want any way. I mean love is proven by actions not mere words and their actions have proven time and again that no relationship is wanted unless I do what they want when they want. If they get their way, they are happy. If not, I’m blocked and disowned. It’s just to much anymore. Life is to short to live like that.

Proverbs 9:7-9 (ESV)

Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse, and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you;
reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.

Just these past few months have I been able to truly let go and let God. I was making sure to say I love you once in a while, even though it was completely ignored almost every single time, but it’s time to be obedient to God THE FATHER. It’s time to trust Him completely with this entire situation. I just can’t take the pain any longer.

I’m learning to love them from a distance and that I must be okay with that. Some days are harder than others to fight myself as to not send a text just to say I love you but they know I love them, that’s never been an issue. I’ve made sure they know I love them and they just don’t seem to care. They’ve made that perfectly clear multiple times.

I will always love them………even if only from a distance.

Disrespectful

Definitions of Disrespectful Behavior:

Behavior that is rude, unpleasant, inappropriate, and unprofessional. Behavior that causes hurt feelings and distresses, disturbs, and/or offends others. Uncivil Behavior: Rude, impolite, discourteous behavior that displays a lack of regard for others.

Whether you’ve disrespected someone purposely or not, if they say they are hurt because of what you said or did, their feelings are legitimate and should be allowed to be expresssd. The proper thing to do is talk about things and say “I’m sorry I upset you, that was never my intentions.”

Acknowledging the other persons feelings make them feel important to you. Shutting them down and not allowing them have their feelings be discussed at all, only shows them that their feelings are real for a reason and that you don’t even care enough about them to discuss the feelings they carry.

Treat others the way you would want to be treated. Show people love by your actions and how you treat them.

We are humans that have feelings for a reason. Everyone gets their feelings hurt at times, even when it wasn’t meant to be hurtful, but they should never be ignored. A persons feelings are real and should be spoken out loud to be discussed and talked out not shoved under a rug to be ignored.

Love recognizes hurt and tries to make things better. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not boastful and hateful. Love does not envy. Love is not arrogant. Love is not rude. Love does not INSIST in its own way. (1Corinthians 13:4-7)