Broken and Beautiful

Kelly Clarkson sings a song called “Broken and Beautiful” and it is so relatable for me because I feel so broken, most days, these days BUT GOD and loved ones y’all; right!?!

Broken and Beautiful (YouTube screen shot)

I live with lots of chronic pain in my entire body, due to a few medical issues, that causes me to live with so much pain around the clock. Some days it’s “hide-ably” tolerable and some days it hurts to just wake up! Lots of days, I just wanna sleep and not wake up until the pain hurts no more.

So many Dr’s!!!!! So many surgeries!!!!! So many “Let’s Try This!” So many “Lets Run This Test.” So many “Xrays and blood work!” So many unknowns but let’s keep seeking for answers until I am so sick of it all!!!!!😫

My most recent surgery, just 5 weeks ago, was for them to put in a nerve stimulator implant in my back. For those that don’t know what that is, it’s a machine that’s basically an internal Tens Unit that blocks the nerve signals that go to my brain telling my brain that I feel pain. While it has helped, it’s not as helpful as we’d hoped. I would say it’s helped by maybe 30% when it’s turned on.

As I type this, it’s 2:20 A M and I can’t sleep. And since I’m awake, I feel the aches and burns going on through out my entire body. In my shoulders, arms and hands I feel aches, throbs, burns, down to my finger bones hurting so bad at times that I just shake them off and hang them down to my sides for a few seconds of that momentary cold sensational relief. Some times I just wanna take em off and set em aside for a bit, swap em out with another pair, massage them momentarily, just something for some kind of relief! This is not what the stimulator is for, that’s for my feet, legs, lower back, and hip pain (which didn’t help my left hip much at all). To be fair though, I rarely mention my shoulders, hands, and arm pains at all because there’s so much other crap that hurts way worse.

I don’t know how to explain it, all I can say is I just HURT ALL OVER and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want more freaking medicine. I don’t want another dang surgery. I rarely even want to be touched but I don’t want to be rude. I don’t want to seem mean to any one. I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings. I don’t want to hurt anymore PERIOD! So, to avoid things in this paragraph, I stay home a lot more.

So much of this unexplainable pain just makes me so danged irritable at times. I have gotten to where I just avoid being around people and certain situations all together. I rarely get out and about by myself anymore because I never know from moment to moment what I’m going to be able to tolerate because the pain changes from day to day through out each and every single day. Simply put; I just hurt and I don’t want it to become an excuse for any thing in my life but it’s very debilitating at times. Thankfully though the migraines have almost completely stopped since my neck surgery was done in December of last year. So that’s a positive praise! Thank you Jesus!

I just simply have “unexplainable chronic pain” that’s un-relatable to anyone and everyone around me therefore it’s hard for you to understand. Just know that some days are good days for me and some days are bad but more often than not I just “fake the smiles” to make it through the day with as little complaining as possible because I don’t want to be a burdensome person to anyone. However, I do love deeply and I want y’all to know that I truly appreciate ALL of the prayers and support from you all! I feel ya 🤟♥️

To those of you that do show me true genuine love and support (not just when ya want something) through all of the “maybe this’ll help” processes that I continue to go through to find relief, I love you from the depth of my being and I apologize for not being able to physically help any of you but I do pray that I’m there for you, as you are for me, to the best of my abilities because without God and y’all I don’t know how I’d cope with this life.

So thanks for just being your true selves y’all 😊 #ILYMTTYBLTT❤️

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